The suicide bomber is a sinister abomination of a human being. But it is also a fascinating character study for a psychologist and, if I may say, an actor. What drives a teenager to such an extreme and irrational extent? Was it his childhood traumas, or perhaps ideological indoctrination in the family or local madrassa? Or was it the humiliation at the hands of the local feudal or neighbourhood thugs? How did a pure and innocent soul take such a Satanic shape that he is ready to blow him/herself up? What a devilish, revolting and complicated character. And how would an actor respond if asked to play a suicide bomber or a brain-washed terrorist of a Taliban brand? My first drama serial for television was PTV’s ‘Jin’hain Raastey Main Khabr hui’ (Those who were informed on the way), written by eminent progressive intellectual and PPP stalwart, Taj Haider. I was still in college, doing my BA(Hons) in Film and TV and had started acting with Ajoka. I was acting as a (burqa-wearing) male lead in the outrageously funny satire ‘Burqa vaganza’. PTV producer (late) Mohammad Shafiq spotted me in a stage play and offered me a major role in the serial mentioned above. I was obviously thrilled. I had always wanted to act on TV but thought there was enough time for that. Interestingly, it was Shafiq’s first drama serial as a director. Taj sahib was away in Karachi, busy fighting Taliban through politics and Shafiq was too occupied with handling production arrangements. So I had to get into the skin of the Talib character on my own. I had to learn the art of TV acting and the psychology of the character without much guidance. But if you have done theatre, then you can cope with any kind of acting. It was no walk in the park. I had no experience or training for acting on TV. I had no idea of ‘eye levels’, using that deep voice that sounds so good on TV or any idea of my ‘better side’. I did, however, have a great love of acting, and good experience in the cradle of all true acting, theatre. As an actor, although I didn’t realise it at the time, this acting experience was one of the most powerful for me. It allowed me to realise many years later that even those we perceive to be the worst of us, have a chance at redemption I must mention there was another challenge. My father was posted in the Programme Division of PTV Headquarters at that time, and there were whispers that he had got me that role. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He was not happy that this assignment was bound to affect my work at Ajoka. So, I had to let my work do the talking. Contrary to general perception, acting, like most art forms, is one of the few fields where ‘sifarish’ does not work. Your talent or the lack of it is entirely exposed on the screen, multiplied by million screens. If you are good, there will be praise all around; people will stop and greet you. If you are bad, they will rudely ignore you or even pass a nasty comment. I was aware of the challenge and had taken my acting seriously, from learning fluent Punjabi (as Bhagat Singh in ‘Mera Rang Day Basanti Chola’) and losing 10 kg to play the naked Sarmad in ‘Dara’. Playing a Talib was yet another challenge. The shoot was in the mountainous regions near Islamabad. My character was a city boy who is disgruntled and frustrated as a teenager and is recruited as a Talib and taken to the barren land controlled by them for training. To transform from a city boy to a Talib, I had to wear (literally) a beard. I hardly had any beard on my face. And it was summertime, and we were shooting either in front of the powerful scorching lights or the open with sun attacking us with the ferocity of a mad terrorist. The painful and irritating process of putting on a long, fake beard was excruciating for my tender skin. Layers of glue upon glue were applied every day, and every day I woke up dreadful of an instant headache. It was a PTV beard, so it kept falling off during the shoot. The answer? More glue of course! At the end of the day, a whole bottle of ‘Sarson ka tel’ (Mustard oil) would be emptied on my face, and I could feel my skin coming off with the beard. But there were amusing incidents too. Every day when we returned to the TV station, the PTV crew would wait outside in the vans waiting for the midnight clock to strike. Soon after midnight, everyone would then enter the PTV premises. Soon I found out the midnight clock signalled the start of next shift, enabling the PTV crew to claim night overtime. The hard work, the PTV staff, had to do to earn extra rupees. Recently, I did an Eid play for PTV after many years, against my better judgment. It was amusing to see the culture during the shoot. Rude people, cosying up to anyone in a higher position than them, cold meals, and irrelevant discussions. Not to mention half of the payments due to the cast mysteriously ‘disappearing’. One of the actors, who had for many years worked in PTV plays, did a role in a private production for the first time, was amazed when he had warm meals, got full payment and got pick and drop. ‘Jin’hain Raastey Main Khabr hui’ being my first serial was full of education and excitement for me. I was young and raw, did not belong to any lobby of actors, not interested in conspiring to outdo other actors, or not even to impress female actors. I was more involved with my evil companion, the Talib. An innocent young boy from the ‘androon sheher’ (Inner city) of Lahore had seen humiliation and pain. His peers, family, society, all thrust him into depression and frustration. Sensing the opportune moment, a mysterious man approaches him. The kid is ripe for the picking, and after getting promises of virgin hoors and rivers of honey is inducted into a training programme. He disassociates himself from his family, his loved ones, everything he once held dear. He now finally has a purpose in life, an identity, and is willing to embrace martyrdom and enjoy the unlimited bounties of the paradise. But soon he starts noticing the hypocrisy and ill intentions of his role models. He realises this was not what he signed up for. Killing, bloodshed, massacres, destruction: this could not be the way to Paradise. He desperately tries leaving. He misses his family, his teenage love, his life. He approaches other ‘mysterious people’, but is denied an exit. I held a gun for the first time in the serial. I had been against even the ‘sport’ of hunting and was at sea at how to hold and use a real one. Most Talibs get exceptional military-style training and know well the art of Guerrilla warfare. Some are even given ‘speech training’, so they can charismatically manipulate the public and any susceptible person. Some are chosen as ‘handlers’ or recruiters. Some are financial masterminds; some are expert infiltrators, some even make it big as TV personalities. In a weird way, while playing the role, I felt the power that intoxicates teenage warriors, one of the main reasons people join these ‘organisations’. A sense of purpose, identity and above all, power. Power to bend the will of the people, the state, to instil terror among people. I felt this power while travelling openly in jeeps with armed men all around me. No one to stop me, no one to ask questions or check ID! It is intoxicating, indeed, exhilarating. In fact, a feeling not different from our politicians, the nasha which our bureaucrats, law enforcers, encounter killers enjoy. Yes, we condemn the bomber and respect the powerbroker. But we fear both. It is the fear which feeds the suicide bombers and the ‘political fear-mongers’. Sometimes their interests coincide, and that is lethal. Coming back to the story, my Taliban companion finally frees himself from the bondage. He wins the fight against blackmail, threats and manipulation. He shaves off his beard, and once again re-joins his family, bruised but not broken. As an actor, although I didn’t realise it at the time, this acting experience was one of the most powerful for me. It allowed me to realise many years later that even those we perceive to be the worst of us, have a chance of redemption. The writer is a director/actor; and a core member of Ajoka Theatre Pakistan. He has been involved in spreading awareness on socio-political issues through theatre Published in Daily Times, April 6th 2018.