As children, we used to play a card game called ‘Snap’. The cards my brothers and I had were printed with ‘Mr Men’ figures; each player was dealt an equal number of cards; on his turn, he had to throw a single card, face up, onto a pile in the centre; if the pictures matched, whoever yelled out ‘Snap’ first, got the whole pile! As expected, many a discord arose as to who was the first to yell and who quick enough to put his hand on the pile! Last week, at a meeting with an American from the US State Department, we were asked a question, “Did you guys inherit the British presumption of ‘innocent until proven guilty’?” I initially quipped, “No,” but then went on to clarify that in theory we did, but in practice, we sternly follow the principle ‘guilty as hell until you can prove yourself innocent’ and incidentally, this has nothing to do with our constitution or the law or the precedents handed down by the apex court. We as proud Pakistanis deny our citizens the basic safeguards our ancestors probably died for. Our criminal justice system works in an exemplary fashion. It begins with two modes of lodging a First Information Report (FIR); the first choice is ‘pay-as-you-go’, which ensures that it is smooth sailing all the way. The second is the ‘dhaka-mode’; this ensures that one is subjected to endless visits to police stations, begging, cajoling, but to no avail. That is followed further by two modes: one, ‘sabar-shukar’ (patience and gratitude),the other through the court. The first ensures that one just counts one’s losses and tosses them into the sea, and the second ensures that one is either back to square one or back to the court again for ‘compliance of orders’. If one survives the first step, the second is the actual FIR: again one and rarely used is the ‘real-truth-version’, which simply stated is the actual truth. The other is a ‘beefed-up-version’, which nominates entire families, neighbourhoods and multiple ‘unknown’ persons for good measure! Putting in a few ‘unknowns’ ensures that given one greases the palms of our ever zealous investigators, every possible Tom, Dick and Harry whom one has a grudge against can be roped in if and when required. Just in case one was suffering from dementia at the time of registering of the FIR, multiple persons can be implicated by recording ‘supplementary statements’, which again have no evidentiary value and cannot be equated with the FIRs, but again who cares about small details! And most of all, strategically mentioned ‘witnesses’ of the offence, who in most cases are blessed with, at the risk of sounding heretic, God forbid ‘divine revelation’, as if they know everything about the occurrence, and that too by virtue of an eyewitness account, without actually ever being there! With the FIR lodged, the ball is passed onto our extremely honest, competent and well-qualified Investigation Officer (IO). He has a Herculean task ahead of him, which involves preparing a site plan, recording statements, investigating the offence and apprehending the suspect or suspects as the case maybe. Since the weather in our country is not conducive for either of these menial and entirely ‘useless’ efforts, most of them can be carried out while sitting at the police station. Depending how much ‘grease’ is used, an entire army of extremely ‘dangerous and habitual criminals’ can be apprehended and implicated; whether or not they were involved in actual commission of the offence is a petty issue and not really worth wasting time on! Most suspects can be apprehended by simple alleged ‘inkishafs’ or revelations or disclosures by other accused in custody. These valuable revelations can be termed extra-judicial confessions if the persons making them ever recalled making them, between nursing themselves from being subjected to mandatory health benefits. Those include promoting circulation to the brain by being hung upside down for hours on end, from deadly mosquitoes being swatted on their bodies by a 17 number ‘chittar’ (which of course is better than dying of dengue), or from a ‘roller’ being applied to their bodies with two men on either side, using it as a rolling pin to flatten all that disgusting flab. Let’s not forget various tests that test the effectiveness of all five senses like cigarette burns, eyes being taped, exposure to intense sound, thus expediting the ‘inkishafats’, which become blessed with Godspeed! Sometimes, our efficient IO takes it upon himself to get an alleged, apprehended offender properly identified. The normal course for these ‘identification parades’ is to get permission from the district and sessions judges who deputes a magistrate to go into jails and conduct the same, ideally, strictly in accordance with the principles laid down. These principles include the fact that witnesses do not see the suspects prior to the identification process; there is no delay between the occurrence and the time when the parade is held in order to ensure that the recall process and the memory of the witness is reliable. There have to be a certain number of ‘dummies’ mixed up with the suspect in the line-up who are similar in height, physique, features, complexion, appearance and dress. At the police station, these ‘dummies’ and the ‘suspect’ are usually made to sit in a circle and the witnesses have to identify or pick out the suspect from within the group. Now since we are well aware that unfortunately memory fades and sometimes ‘recall’ does not work that well, our ever efficient Punjab Police who support the motto ‘No Fear’ comes to the help of the needy, poor, defenceless witnesses. In the interest of justice and fairness, our police, keeping in line with the directives of our unknowing government, have taken to a little ‘self-help refresher course’ to facilitate the citizens. Now after procuring or apprehending the suspects, as the case may be, they invite the witnesses for a little ‘peek-a-boo’ to the police station. Not only do the witnesses get a chance, which is much needed, to acquaint themselves with the suspects, get to know their preferences, likes and dislikes, which may come in handy later, they can indulge in a little ‘photo session’ for the benefit of, of course, the suspects, which might put Athar-Shahzad, Rollo, Zaidis and the like to shame! After all, everyone knows a picture is worth a thousand words! The role played by the custodians of our liberties and fundamental rights is commendable. Either they are in a ‘red-apple-induced’ slumber, which puts Sleeping Beauty to shame, or have become such an ingrained part of all these practices that they do not even blink an eye. Physical remands are given with suspects never being produced in court; no record is ever checked to ensure that there was indeed tangible evidence that required the arrest of an individual. In spite of blatant torture, suspects are continually remanded into police custody; no access to counsel for the accused is ensured, but then isn’t this what speedy justice is about? The more time is spent on these frivolities, the farther the access to justice becomes. Right? Now back to the dummies and the suspect I left sitting in the ring at the lock-up. Armed with the picture acquired earlier and extremely grateful to the IO for his facilitation, the witness skips merrily around the circle, singing ‘Ring a ring of roses, a pocket full of posies’ until a stern look reminds him of the picture in his pocket and he instantly looks and out goes his hand: “Snap!” The writer is an advocate of the high court