In a country where most parents feel uncomfortable talking about sex and sexuality with their children, influential people who do address the subject bear an enormous burden of responsibility. That many in Pakistan continue to be confused about marital rape should not surprise anybody. After all, the legal tradition here draws heavily on British law which until quite recently did not recognize the concept. Fortunately, there is greater recognition and awareness worldwide today of what constitutes rape and legislators, as well as courts, everywhere have moved to rectify the historical wrong. Pakistan has been no exception. Pakistan Penal Code defines the crime in the following terms: “A man is said to commit rape who has sexual intercourse with a woman under circumstances falling under any of the five following descriptions: 1. Against her will; 2. Or without her consent; 3. With her consent, when the consent has been obtained by putting her in fear of death or of hurt; 4. With her consent, when the man knows that he is not married to her and that the consent is given because she believes that the man is another person to whom she is or believes herself to be married; or 5. With or without her consent when she is under 16 years of age.” The language is as clear as it should be considering the gravity of the matter. Why then should there be any confusion? The answer is to be found in social sanction rather than legal education. In all traditional cultures, the relationship between spouses is a private affair. There is probably no need to argue that that is indeed the way it ought to be. In fact, most people would be greatly offended it were not so. Laws in most countries protect the privacy. So does social sanction in most societies. So, there you have it. It’s not avoiding the subject out of prudery. She just does not allow a woman a choice and woe to her who might have believed that her religion was going to be fair to her However, neither the law, nor the social sanction was intended to protect an abusive spouse. How can an abusive spouse be corrected until and unless there is a complaint to the appropriate authorities? This is why there are laws against domestic violence. Those learning about such a situation have a moral obligation to lend utmost support to the victim. While the law is quite clear on the point, privacy being a habit and a norm, the social sanction sometimes lags behind – with terrible consequences. The reason for such confusion is historical. Remember there were times in many cultures when women were treated as chattel. This made for great injustice and therefore a lot of untold misery. It is only in modern times that the women have been universally recognized as equal humans. It might sound strange today but in most countries women neither had a right to property, nor a right to vote – rights we today take for granted. Matrimony was the only respectable career for women. Their utmost duty in the relationship was to ensure the pleasure of their spouses. No wonder questions of willingness and consent might have sounded academic if not entirely irrelevant. Interesting times, but they are fortunately over. Or are they? Only the other day Farhat Hashmi, the salafi scholar and popular televangelist, has gone and said in an online sermon that marital rape is an oxymoron. A wife, she says, must always submit to husband’s sexual desires. The husband, she says, is permitted an intercourse whenever and in whatever manner he may desire it. A woman daring to disagree, she warns, would be going against Islamic teachings. So, there you have it. It’s not avoiding the subject out of prudery. She just does not allow a woman a choice and woe to her who might have believed that her religion was going to be fair to her. The bad news is she is not even somebody you can ignore. The lady exercises a huge influence over a rather large number of middle class households. How one wishes she would look a little closely at some of the women who look to her for guidance and find it in her heart to do something to make their lives easier. While it is unclear how many of them subscribe to Ms Hashmi’s view, an alarmingly large section of the society seems to value privacy so much that domestic violence, including marital rape, is very seldom reported. This can only encourage the perpetrators into making a habit of the disgusting practice secure in the knowledge that the victim will be very reluctant to seek a remedy and when she does would be unlikely to get support. It’s no wonder therefore that 46.9 per cent of married women living in Islamabad and Rawalpindi, who were asked the question in a survey on domestic violence published in 2003, reported non-consensual intercourse. A study in 2000 claimed that 77.1 per cent of the 70 male participants reported nonconsensual intercourse with their wives. Most Pakistani girls are taught early in their life that they alone are responsible for keeping their marriages intact. Many take the advice to their heart and suffer on account of it. The last thing they need is the preaching by likes of Ms Hashmi. Fear of public opinion is bad enough; imagine adding the fear of inviting God’s wrath to it. A recent episode of Ranjha Ranjha Kardi, a TV serial, caused an uproar for showing the protagonist with his wife in a fit of rage. While the scene itself is somewhat ambiguous, it is followed by his mother defending assault, saying “because he is married.” Thinking what Ms Hashmi would have to say to the girl breaks one’s heart. The writer is a staff member. She can be reached at durenayab786@gmail.com. She tweets @dureakram