Dear Sir, My deepest apologies and regrets for being late in lavishing my praises on you. We are the proud torchbearers of patriarchy for we live in a country where sons-in-law are taken next to God for their graciousness to accept our daughters in their marriage and provide them a shelter for life. And you Kaptaan Sahib, are over and above all those pedestals. Being the first son-in-law of the Sunni…, oh I beg your pardon… I mean the Islamic Republic, It must be made obligatory for every living and dead Pakistani to bow down before your highness’ graciousness and Excellency. Those who don’t should be declared kafirs if not Pakistanis. Oh is being a ‘kafir’ akin to being a non-Pakistani? Cool, whatever pleases and flatters your Excellency. I recently came across your address to this ignorant nation in the National Assembly. As soon as the national television started airing your instructive sermon, all I could do was just nod my head in dismay (just like speaker sahib who kept looking here and there in utter disbelief) and not stop reciting subhanallah and mashallah for a minute. May all the kafir and evil eyes stay out of your excellency’s celestial, ethical and virtuous path. Not to forget me along with almost as much Pakistanis as possible did not forget to recite alhumdulillah. All praise to Allah for blessing us with a son-in-law as pious as you. Also, quoting Maulana Maudoodi did serve as a strong argument to back your recommendations. Not to forget his divine light filled grave… Kaptaan sahib! You know it all; from outside to within the graves. This also reminds me of your deeply profound love and affection for Shaheed-e-Millat Mumtaz Qadri. I wonder why Raza Hiraj sahib did not make it to your illuminating sermon. The nation will always remain indebted to you for standing against the rights of Ahmadis in Pakistan. Why shouldn’t the religion of every Pakistani be the state’s business? These infidels deserve no share in government and public sector; armed forces and judiciary. Never in your pious lifetime, never! This nation needs to understand that how important it is to forget and forsake the name of Dr Abdus Salam; not just eradicate his name from every obtainable book in Pakistan. How dare Quaid-e-Azam University dare rename its Department of Physics after this constitutional kafir? Who is he? A traitor! After all, Nobel Prize is all about a few bucks and a paper. We should have already announced a policy of not accepting any prize that comes from this organization. And in case somebody accepts the prize, the person should be ostracized. And it can be rechristened after Shaheed-e-Millat Hazrat Mumtaz Qadri; our symbol of piety and enlightenment who didn’t hesitate to kill the Governor Salman Taseer without even blinking an eye. The kafir judiciary should be ashamed for sentencing him to death despite his appeals for mercy. Hell hath no fury like Mumtaz Qadri scorned! I am sad how even Quaid-e-Azam didn’t anticipate the repercussions his address. ‘You are free; you are free to go to your temples. You are free to go to your mosques or to any other places of worship in this State of Pakistan. You may belong to any religion, caste or creed—that has nothing to do with the business of the state.’ Alas! How could he? An Ismaili, after all, makes all the sense now. You may belong to any religion, caste or creed. Yes, you might. But remember that it has literally everything to do with the business of the state. There is no nation other than Muslim that has the right to dwell our pure land. Go to Israel, India or wherever! Sir, I have a few suggestions if you give me the liberty. The white part of Pakistani flag should be wiped clean. I mean wiped green. Yes, two colours are a burden on the state you are exuberantly loyal too. Also, why should the minorities even be here? Go home! I mean wherever! Pakistani passport should be replaced with an undertaking of being a Sunni Muslim, a staunch believer of your highness and Shaheed-e-Millat Mumtaz Qadri. Quaid-eAzam’s pictures with his dogs should be removed from wherever they’re seen. Or maybe ban Google because it won’t? Dr Abdus Salam’s name should be replaced with traitor. Also do the same to everyone making a name in their respective fields unless he/she is a terrorist, of course. Ahmadis should be lured to some far off island and drowned during the course of their journey. These are the only ways of helping this nation reach Jannah; if everyone is not blessed with the opportunity of adopting the glorious profession of suicide bombing. Thank you for being who you are and where you are leading us to. This might turn our world into hell but who cares. After all, it is a temporary phenomenon. A salute to the first son-in-law of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. Yours obediently, Mango People of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan.