This week UN General Secretary Ban Ki Moon arrived in Kashmir to take stock of the ongoing bloodbath. Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi, pro-India local leaders Omar Abdullah, Mahbooba Mufti and Ghulam Nabi Azad flanked Moon whose visit prompted an estimated seven million people to take to streets in demands for independence from India. There could have been more, but many are dead now.
Many protesters carried banners and placards calling the Indian politicians with some really bad names in local parlance.
“Welcome to Kashmir, Mr Secretary General,” Mufti said, shaking Moon’s hand in Srinagar. “You are going to love it to be here. Your appreciation rating is much higher here than all of us combined together. Kashmiris love you.”
“Oh Yeah,” Moon grinned.
The UN bigwig saw some sarcastic placards reading ‘Ban Ki Moon Came Soon’ but his eye caught an old torn placard, probably used in several protests earlier that read: ‘Don’t ban UN’s Moon.’ This after India banned Internet, mobile communication, roads, and highways in hope to solidify the siege further.
“May I know what has happened here before?” Moon asked Modi.
The UN secretary general also sought the reason over why seven million people are demonstrating and calling Modi, Mufti, Abdullah and Azad with bad names.
“I am afraid to see what they would do to you guys if they loathed you so much,” he told his hosts.
“You’re mistaken Sir,” Abdullah replied. “It’s only few million Kashmiris. Rest of them love us… Absolutely! They are also going to vote for us to power in 2019.”
Another thing Ban Ki Moon realised was that most of the Indian troopers with bulging bellies and torn uniforms have crossed their service ages as compared to protesters who were mostly young, to which Mufti explained that life expectancy rate of Kashmiris has gone down over the years, except for the pro-India politicians.
“We spend most of the time in New Delhi bungalows. And Indian security forces in the valley rest assure things. People are dying young these days, you know. You know Aylan Kurdi or Faris Odeh… and …,” she said.
“Oh I see, Poor Kashmiris,” Moon replied.
Seeing the protesters getting angry, Moon said, “So you think you are safe in your own backyard and no one will harm you. Ha?”
“Very safe Mr Moon,” Modi chipped in. “As long as we have three spies and four guns for every Kashmiri.”
Between the conversations, the visiting dignitary heard some loud chants in native language.
“Could you please interpret it for me,” Moon asked his hosts when he heard ‘Kati Chu Sani Gubro’.
“They are saying ‘where have all the sons gone,’” Mufti replied.
“And where have all the sons gone?” Moon sought to know.
Azad chipped in quickly to say that most of the boys have crossed over LoC before the cross-LoC trade started in 2005 and rest of them are seeking jobs in the Indian cities, without telling their parents.
Moon had heard about mass graves and wanted to know more but Azad quickly diverted the topic saying: “But our local police are quite active. All the young men would be rounded up very soon.” Azad further translated “Qanoon lamba hai” as “Law is long”.
Moon’s confusion was discernable.
Abdullah too chimed saying that many have renounced Indian passports and have gone to Pakistan forever after New Delhi’s insistence for the same.
“That’s sad. Gandhi and Jinnah never renounced British passports during their fight against the British empire,” Moon said.
“Look Mr Moon, there are no Gandhis and Jinnahs here. It’s just Indian forces and Kashmiris,” Azad replied.
The UN leader scratched his head as Azad winked his right eye towards Modi and the party.
After two days in New Delhi, speaking to some Indian news channels in a presser, Modi said that the reports of seven million protestors were largely exaggerated.
“I am contradicting that seven million people were in Kashmir streets,” he said. “It was a small section of youth who have resentments. Some were paid by old enemy Pakistan.”
“Mr Modi, there were indeed seven million souls in the streets,” Moon tried to correct the Indian prime minister.
Mufti replied quickly, “Mr Moon what looks like a million march to you is just a usual thing there. In an hour, two or three miscreants can assemble a million-strong crowd in Kashmir. You know what I mean, No?”
“O! That way every Kashmiri is a greatest convincer living on earth. Isn’t it?” Moon probed while Azad pulled back his chair feeling gutted but kept wearing his smile till the press conference was over.
Back in Kashmir, among the protesters a 25-year-old resident of inner Batamaloo, known to locals as Kale Kharaab (Hot-headed), who had helped organise the protest rally, was seemingly unhappy after the march was screened on Indian TV channels.
He said that the protests would have been more successful if all banners and placards had been spell checked.
In fact one protestor shown on a news channel carried a sign that said, “We want Azad.” Another banner displayed, “In Dependence Only Solution.” Others read: “Pebble site”. One TV channel zoomed on a placard reading “Good India Good.”
Innocent Kale Kharaab didn’t realise that the Indian TV channels have played a spoilsport. Technology was used to alter the reality by fiddling with the grammar and punctuation of the words.
The placards had in fact correctly screamed the slogans of ‘We want Azadi, Independence Only Solution, Plebiscite, Go India Go’.
Upon realising the rip-off, Kale Kharaab groaned: “Makaar Media (Treacherous media).”
In Delhi Ban Ki Moon was shown the altered footage too.
“You see what they really meant Mr Moon,” Modi told the visiting personality.
In spite of the huge protests in valley, Moon’s visit was sold as a “big success” that was billed to consolidate India’s position at the international level.
“In honour of your last name, we have sent a mission to the Moon,” Modi told Ban Ki Moon.
The hosts bid Moon goodbye on the tarmac of Delhi International Airport.
And while Moon waved back from a distance, Modi whispered in Mufti’s ears, “Mission Moon accomplished” as both guffawed at Modi’s jhumla (punch line).
The writer is a Kashmiri journalist. His twitter feed is @BabaUmarr