Regardless of where you live in the world, if you are a member of the South Asian community, I am pretty sure you have heard the words “Log Kya Kahenge?” which directly translates into English as “What Will People Say?” Yes, these three words are what most Pakistani people are brought up with. We are told to worry more about others’ perceptions of us than ourselves.
Before people make any decision, priority is given to ensuring one’s reputation is not at stake. Somehow, one’s reputation is always a sum of what people think and say. It is not based on merit. Mind you, this isn’t easy, because unfortunately, most of our reputations are at the mercy of narrow-minded, highly judgmental, and excessively critical peeps-those who have the most fragile egos and refuse to entertain new perspectives.
From reminding women of their fading youth and reminding young men of their receding hairlines, to reminding parents of their responsibilities, public opinion is geared towards directing each and every individual towards their predefined role in a timely manner.
Who are these others, you may ask? They could be anyone-your neighbors, your friends, your friend’s friends, any aunty that you’ve met once at a party, and even a stranger at the neighborhood shop. So, literally anyone. We are told that before we do anything or say anything, don’t bother about what you think or want, rather worry about everyone else first. From reminding women of their fading youth and reminding young men of their receding hairlines, to reminding parents of their responsibilities, public opinion is geared towards directing each and every individual towards their predefined role in a timely manner. The mold of a bahu, damaad, saas and susar is already available. All we have to do is step into it and conform.
While I often hear stories on how “times are changing” and our sense of acceptance is evolving, more often than not, there are moments that make me question the authenticity of this. Are we, really? If so, why can’t my best friend come out of the closet with her sexuality? Why does my colleague need to succumb to an arranged marriage? What’s wrong with me being above 30 and unmarried? Why can’t my widowed aunt re-marry without being frowned upon? LKK has evolved into a social script, one that places family honour above individual truth and appearance above authenticity. We don’t always realize how deeply the phrase “Log Kya Kahenge?” can root the feeling of shame into everyday life.
In a world that never seems to quiet down, where everyone’s thoughts rain on you like confetti, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by what people expect from you. We often play this game of “log kya kahenge,” letting others’ ideas shape who we are. But what if, just for a moment, we looked away from their judgmental eyes and focused on our own reflection?
The key questions to ask yourself are:
Do these people really matter in your life?
What importance do they hold in your life?
How have they contributed to your happiness and well-being?
Would you turn to them for help when you really need it?
If not, then you have the answer!
I grew up in a Pakistan where adhering to societal conventions was more important than following your individual desires. Even in today’s day and age, I keep hearing “Log Kya Kahenge?” more times than I can count. I get it because I’ve been there. It was whispered when choosing school subjects, when dressing differently, when considering careers outside the expected mold. I used to navigate through life like a ship, desperately seeking approval at every turn. The quest for validation felt never-ending, and without realizing it, I was sacrificing the most precious part of myself-my authenticity. It took a quiet moment of self-reflection to discover that true happiness and fulfillment weren’t out there but hidden within me. The turning point happened when I decided to lower the volume on external opinions-from career advice to personal life-and started listening to the whispers of my own heart. I embarked on a journey of self-discovery, learning to embrace my quirks and make peace with my imperfections. As I cared less about the noise around me, I found myself dancing to the beat of my own heartbeat, experiencing a freedom I hadn’t known before. This change wasn’t just in what I did but in how I thought-a newfound independence of mind. I realized that people, much like me, are absorbed in the intricate stories of their own lives. The spotlight I thought was harshly shining on me turned out to be a creation of my own insecurities. So, I let go of the “log kya kahenge” mindset and started living authentically. And oh, the wonders that unfolded! When I channelled my energy into being the best version of myself, it sent ripples of enthusiasm into the world around me. I attracted kindred spirits, people who appreciated the real me. People were drawn to my newfound confidence, and what I failed to realize was that they were too caught up in their own lives to pass judgment on mine.
This story isn’t just mine; it’s a universal struggle we all share. The truth is, people are too engrossed in their own narratives to spend much time dissecting ours. So, release the fear of judgment, break free from societal expectations, and witness the magic that happens when you prioritize your authenticity. In case you’re wondering if the “log” in “log kya kahenge” will pay your bills, spoiler alert: they won’t. So, paint the grand tapestry of life with the vibrant colors of your true self. Watch as the world marvels at the unique and beautiful canvas that is undeniably and unapologetically you. In the end, the feared log is ourselves. The only way this pressure can be toned down is if we all open up our minds to the idea that not everyone has to live the same cookie-cutter life; try and start by not looking askance at the 35-year-old bachelor or the couple who is not having children.
We need to change our ways today to let everyone live their true authentic selves and outline their own personal definition of success. And this can only begin with you and me: a much-needed change in our own mindsets.
I am reminded of a story my father told me about one Mulla Nasrudin. He and his son were travelling with their donkey, with Nasrudin walking while his son sat on the donkey. As they passed a group of bystanders, one of them scoffed, “Look at that selfish boy. The hale-and-hearty young son is riding on the donkey while his poor old father is forced to walk alongside. What disgraceful behavior!” Mulla Nasrudin and his son felt so embarrassed by these comments that they quickly switched places. However, the comments never ended. People abused the father this time. To avoid anybody else’s scorn, both he and his son sat together on the donkey. Whatever the two did, someone or the other found fault and made fun of them. Moral of the story: he who tries to please everyone, pleases none. In conclusion, people will judge no matter what. The world, though, is dynamic in nature; even the things that were once considered taboos are accepted in the future. The mentality of “log kya kahenge” will die out too and will only turn into cinders. This does not mean rejecting tradition; it means evolving with compassion. We can help shift the narrative from shame to strength. Whatever the action may be, onlookers will comment. We should never forget “Kuch to Log Kahenge” because “Logon Ka Kaam Hai Kahna”! Right? Be happy, it is all that matters.
The writer is an ex-banker and a freelance columnist. She can be reached at tbjs.cancer.1954 @gmail.com