Even the most seemingly blissful couples may be hopeless when it comes to emotionally understanding each other. New research indicates that partners can be clueless when it comes to spotting the ploys their partner uses to dodge emotional issues. Researchers believe the ongoing use of emotional suppression can be damaging to the long-term quality of a relationship.
Psychologists at Washington University in St Louis and Stanford University studied how people in long-term relationships miss cues that their partner is unhappy.
“Happier couples see their partners in a more positive light than do less happy couples,” said Lameese Eldesouky, lead author of the study.
“They tend to underestimate how often a partner is suppressing emotions and to overestimate a partner’s ability to see the bright side of an issue that might otherwise spark negative emotions.”
Published in the Journal of Personality, the study examines how accurate and biased dating couples are in judging personality characteristics that reflect ways of managing one’s emotions.
The paper focuses on two coping mechanisms that are difficult to spot due to lack of visual clues.
First, expressive suppression – hiding one’s emotions behind a calm and quiet poker face – and secondly cognitive reappraisal – changing one’s perspective to see the silver lining behind a bad situation.
Couples generally are able to judge their partners’ emotions with some degree of accuracy, but are somewhat less accurate in judging reappraisal than suppression.
Women tend to see their partners in a more positive light than men do, overestimating their partners’ ability to look on the bright side.
If someone is generally more emotional, their romantic partner thinks they are less likely to hide emotions.
And if someone frequently expresses positive emotions, such as happiness, their romantic partner thinks they use reappraisal more than they actually do.
The study is based on completed questionnaires and interviews with 120 heterosexual couples attending colleges in Northern California.
Participants, ranging in age from 18 to 25 years, were recruited as part of a larger study on emotion in close relationships.
Each couple had been dating on an exclusive basis for more than six months, with some together as long as four years.
In a previous study, Tammy English and James Gross, who co-authored this study, found that men are more likely than women to use suppression with their partners, and that the ongoing use of emotional suppression can be damaging to the long-term quality of a relationship.
“Suppression is often considered a negative trait while reappraisal is considered a positive trait because of the differential impact these strategies have on emotional well-being and social relationships,” said Dr English, who is an assistant professor of psychology at Washington University.
“How well you are able to judge someone else’s personality depends on your personal skills, your relationship with the person you are judging and the particular trait you are trying to judge,” she added.