It was a usual evening for about two hundred thousand women participants of a Facebook group, handled by a 24-year-old make-up blogger. The blogger rather than doling out the usual make-up tips chose to cry over her bitter life experiences in a rather depressing disposition. Some women were considerate, others were seen criticising her for sharing her personal details in a fashion group, and some took it as a publicity stunt. It transpired the next day that the blogger had taken her own life in mysterious circumstances. How tragic, rather reprehensible, that none of the participants actually reached out to help her or reported about her quandary to the concerned authorities. Yes, we, as a nation, are not known for our empathy.
Allegedly, her second husband was a drug addict, an alcoholic and a womaniser, and used to mentally abuse her. Her first husband had, reportedly, taken her daughter away from her, after she had been in an allegedly abusive relationship with him too. Her father had solemnised his second marriage three years before the death of his first wife and the blogger’s mother. It was probably under the influence of her stepmother that her father did not support her idea of seeking a divorce, and thus having to ‘host’ her in his house. In one of the videos floating on social media, she even alleged that her father had threatened to kill her if she thought about divorce.
The purpose of sharing these details, gathered from the internet, is to give a background to this rather sad episode and to help parents contextualise the whole matter. While some of them hurry to destroy the married lives of their daughters on the slightest of pretexts, many do nothing. Take the blogger’s example; she apparently had a really tough life, without the love and empathy of her mother, and the alleged disposition of both her husbands further complicated the matters. The act of her first husband taking away her daughter exacerbated her miseries, and her father’s cold attitude was the final straw. All she needed was a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to her issues, and a hand to walk her away from the abusive marriage she allegedly had to put up with. However, the men around her allegedly disregarded their responsibilities towards her, leading her to a state of helplessness and depression, which culminated in her committing suicide.
Nevertheless, there are two sides to every story. No one has heard her father and husband’s point of view as yet. It could be-and I mean no disrespect to the soul of the blogger-and what follows is a mere hypothesis that the blogger was suffering from some kind of a mental disorder. And that she had despite repeated requests refused to seek professional help. It could be that her father had inquired into the matter in detail, and thought that his daughter was making a mountain out of a molehill, thus justifying his cold response to her cries for help. Or finally, it could be that her husband had tried his best to reason out the differences, if any, with her, but to no avail.
In most parts of Pakistan, it is women who have to bear the brunt of the inequalities and injustices of men without any assistance from the state
Therefore, outrightly ignoring a woman’s complaints or going for her blind support are two opposite extremes, which should be avoided at all costs by parents, especially those of young women. In this regard, before taking any drastic decisions, parents should not only lend a considerate ear to the grievances-actual or perceived-of their daughters, but should also hear the point of views of their sons-in-law, if the situation so demands. And if the matter seems to be getting out of hand, then the man’s parents should also be involved, along with other concerning relatives and friends. After all, this ‘external’ help for couples is an admirable trait of our society; nowadays, couples’ counselling would help as well. If nothing helps, God has made divorce permissible despite it being the worst act out of all permissible actions regarding the institution of marriage in Islam. Resorting to violence by any side can never be justified in any circumstances; but even in a case of physical violence by any of the spouses, the matter ought to be reported to police.
Therefore, despite being aggrieved by the blogger’s untimely death at the hands of the allegedly unsupportive men around her, one must caution against branding all men as same as is the wont of women’s right groups that would bash the entire ‘species’ of men and blame all of them for all that ails women. Unfortunately, our society has transitioned, especially in well-educated and well-off families, from being an oppressor of women to a persecutor of men.
There have been a number of cases where a man after being brutally beaten by male members of the family of his wife has been ‘politely’ informed by the police that being a family matter, the police would favour the girl’s side, without taking note of the actual criminality of the matter. If the man tries to take his ‘revenge’, he would be booked by the police and made an example of. On top of that, women rights group would make the life a living hell for the poor man whose only fault, it may seem, would be to assert himself during the usual bickering, which is quite normal between a husband and a wife. Let us be clear that such men on a woman’s side are no friends of women; rather, they are damaging their married lives.
Nevertheless, in most parts of Pakistan, it is women who have to bear the brunt of the inequalities and injustices of men without any assistance from the state, which seems to be in a deep state of slumber, oblivious to its responsibilities to protect the ‘weaker’ segment of society. About the blogger and how she ended her own life, the matter should not end here, being allegedly a suicide case; rather, the authorities should thoroughly investigate the matter and bring the culprits to book without any fail. Such men, if proven guilty, are a blot on the forehead of any civilised society. Period.
The writer is a human rights and constitutional lawyer