Dear Mathira & Rose,
I am 30 years and have been dating this man for about four years. We’re really in love and marriage is on the cards. We’re really involved and spend almost all our day together, finding time between work and family commitments. The thing is that whenever he’s travelling abroad, he loses touch with me. I’m not saying he vanishes, but I feel ignored as he doesn’t give me time the way he should. He would make small calls only, tell me to go to sleep as he’s out and goes offline for hours at end. When I confront him, we fight and he ends up telling me that he’s coming back as I’m fighting with him. I love him and I trust him but I hate it when he goes missing like that when travelling abroad. My angry reaction is affecting my relationship. What do I do?
Rose’s advice:
I don’t know what it is with desi women. They need to understand that sometimes in a relationship, a person needs his/her space. Their own private time! Sweetheart, when he’s travelling, give him a breather. He needs his own space and so do you. It’s not necessary to become your partner’s shadow. A healthy relationship needs space and it’s not that he vanishes. If he’s making small calls, that means he’s busy or probably needs his own space. Do you actually think that he’s going to go halfway across the world to cheat on you? Why would he do that? If there’s no trust in your relationship, nothing will work out. You need to trust him and you need to stop being insecure. Let him enjoy as long as he tells you where he is. Why don’t you go out with your girls in the meantime and have your own fun? Couples have fun together but they also need to do things separately. Men enjoy a boys’ night, playing cards etc and their girlfriends don’t need to be there. They just want to be boys at that time so let them be. He’s not running away or cheating on you. If he wanted to cheat on you, he’ll do it and you wouldn’t even know about it. He doesn’t have to go halfway across the world to do it. Let him miss you.
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Mathira’s advice:
Stop confronting. The moment you confront people, they feel attacked and run away. Always remember that when you’re in a relationship, don’t confront your partner at that very moment, rather wait until he’s comfortable and stress free. Then ask him. There’s a difference between blaming and confronting. Don’t blame as that’s when the fight erupts. Men also need to understand what their woman is saying. They need to understand instead of just hearing and will save themselves a lot of time. For example, I tell a man to pick up a glass of water and drink it. The man who’ll be listening to me will do that but the one who’s only hearing will not do as he’s told. That’s when a fight will start. Relationship is not a one-man show. It works when both are involved. But you see, these days, you can’t bound someone or force someone to love you. The moment you tell a man about your reservations, he feels as though you’re chaining him to the wall. When a woman confronts, she only ends up becoming a mental patient suffering from depression and anxiety. It takes a toll on the mental health and it takes a happy mother to raise a happy child. If you’re a happy woman, you have a happy home. So, the moral of the story is you need to be happy yourself first to keep your man happy.
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