Dear Mathira & Rose,
I met a guy through a friend. He was visiting from the United Kingdom and we started going out. Almost two weeks into the relationship, he proposed to me and met my family before returning to UK. He is completing his PhD there. After he left, his parents visited my place and full rishta scene happened. Obviously it was too soon to begin a long distance relationship but nonetheless it happened. The beginning of the relationship known to be the honeymoon phase was absolutely beautiful but now that four months have passed, things have become very dull. There is hardly any romance anymore. All I ever get to hear is “I miss you,” and that also sometimes. He’s a mature and a very nice guy. Probably trying to finish his PhD and get a job to begin sponsoring process. But the question is, if there’s no romance now, will there any be later after marriage? And I don’t mean sexting, because I think it’s wrong too but to call each other loving names or saying, “I love you” once in a while at least would give reassurance. This is also my first relationship so I don’t know if it’s failing or he’s just very serious by nature or maybe perhaps busy with work. But still some romance should keep the relationship alive. Also I would never initiate it because I’m shy. So it has to be him. I was expecting a full Bollywood style romance with him which kind of attracted me to him in the first place but it’s all gone. What should I do?
Rose’s advice:
You see the problem with us is expectations. Whatever we see on the television, especially in Bollywood films, we expect life to treat us the same way. We want our hair to fly and songs to start playing at the back on seeing our better halves. I want to snap my fingers and bring you back to reality, because nothing like that sort happens in real life. You’ve only been in this relationship for four months which I feel is probation period. It’s just the beginning. There are different things that are coming down here. If he’s trying to save money, he must have people living with him. Secondly, he must be really stressed out as he must have to cook himself because of course, he must not have a cleaning lady. He must be washing his clothes himself as well, run errands, find a job and study. I wouldn’t blame the guy here because even if he was living in the same city as yours, at the beginning it’s all rosy, but no relationship can maintain that rosy level. After the honeymoon period is over, you go back to your normal life. That’s the time when you see your partner properly and find out what he likes, if he had a bad day, what ticks him off and if he hurts you with his words when angry. That’s when you see the reality because in the honeymoon period, you’re only posing to be nice like wearing nice clothes and eating decently, etc. When that’s over, you don’t really care if your hair’s done during video call because you’re comfortable enough to reveal your flaws. I think you should talk to him but if I were you, I wouldn’t pressurise him because I think, he’s already under a lot of stress. But you could tell him that you both need to spend more time together and schedule your timings accordingly. You don’t have to video call every day. You can even do it a few times a week or whenever he’s free or taking an off day. Saying, “I love you and I miss you” and not meaning it, is pointless. Then you’re only fulfilling a formality. If you’re inspired by Bollywood romance, then let me tell you, that even the actors in a film have way worse romantic lives than regular people.
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Mathira’s advice:
There’s no such thing as Bollywood style romance. It only lasts for a bit but if you look at it in the longer run, it doesn’t last. First of all, he’s in London so the time difference is a major hurdle. Secondly, he’s trying to study and also trying to make a future. Yes, he’s proposed too soon but after marriage, there’ll be all the time in the world to flirt with your partner. I don’t believe in the words I love you and I miss you. People only say these words to lead the other person on. If you want to fool somebody, just say, “Baby, I love you.” If you want to hang up on somebody, you just say, “Aww baby, I miss you. Let’s talk later.” I think he’s a raw person. He saw you and found you marriage material and now wants to spend his life with you. He’s not into pulling any drama. You must be thinking why I’m taking his side. That’s because both men and women need to realise that life’s not a love story. When the honeymoon phase ends, rough patches occur and there’s trouble in Paradise. One’s also bound to feel ignored. It’s all because the man has to earn for his wife and make ends meet. You’ve to make a home and for that, you need to work hard. It’s okay. Why don’t you try to visit him there? Gather some money and check out what he’s up to. Try Skyping and you know what? Give him space. If someone isn’t emotionally attaching themselves to you, set them free so that he realises that something’s missing and that the distances are now too many. You should get out of this zone. You shouldn’t be thinking that he might be cheating on you or might be having another girlfriend. Trust me, it’s not compulsory for a man to activate his sexual life. He can always live by without one. It’s all about whether he wants to do it or not. Love is when someone stands by you during the bad times and the rough patch. That’s when love is measured. Do understand this and stick by him. See what the future holds for you.
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