Single shaming is negatively judging somebody for not being partnered up and not conforming to society’s expectations, that of being married at a certain age. I fail to comprehend why people , especially in the sub-continent jump to judge the un-partnered. The persistence of these biases against singletons is not only demeaning, but is also outdated in many Western countries. The number of singletons is increasing, yet people still insist on telling them they shall find a partner soon. Asking why someone is ‘still’ single and assuring them they shall ‘find their person soon’ may seem at first like thoughtful, even sensitive. But what is with all the awkward pity? There is one pressure that just refuses to leave us alone, a question that follows us everywhere: “What are your marriage plans?” . In Pakistan, a girl’s identity revolves around her marriage. So , when people say, “Why are not you married yet?” , all I want to say is, “Why do you not just mind your own business?”. I have met unmarried women who are supporting their family and face a whole range of challenges of their own. At times, it is for this very reason that they do not end up getting married. So, although you may not have cared for or agreed with a single word I have written so far, but in case you did, the next time you feel like prying into someone’s personal life and their enigmatic single status, how about being a little more sensitive and a little less nosy? The sight of a woman living alone still feels unusual. It implies a story of rejection, of loneliness, of romantic failure. It implies being left, rather than choosing to be alone. Women are not meant to be alone, the logic goes, because they are not meant to be single in the first place. Our society fetishises and confers status to a happy couple , presented as the correct social pairing while a single woman becomes a symbolic holding place for either the fear of not joining the coupled ranks or the dream of a life lived on one own’s terms. When living alone, I do not want to be a symbol, righteous or not.
It seems that everyone must have a partner to fit in, as if the smallest piece of the social puzzle must consist of at least two people.
Single shaming results from negative biases about people who are not partnered assuming that they must be sad and lonely for not having a partner; they must be actively looking for one, but have not found a match yet or there must be something wrong with them that is causing to them to wind up alone. All these stereotypes are driven by pressures to conform to long-held societal standards such as get a partner, have a shared home, kids and probably a pet such as a dog. This postures a person to have assembled required ingredients they need to lead a happy life. It seems that everyone must have a partner to fit in, as if the smallest piece of the social puzzle must consist of at least two people. Society believes that if you are not part of such a unit, you are probably incomplete, antisocial, and perhaps even dangerous. The word ‘spinster’ is freighted with pity and misogyny, yet the number of women living this way is growing. As a single woman, I feel it is time to reconsider what it means to be ‘never-married’. But there I go, living down the spinster stereotype of envy and bitterness. How is it possible that, despite being raised by a feminist mother and enjoying a life rich with friendships and meaningful employment, I still feel the stigma of that word? Or fear that, even in middle age, I have not achieved the status of a true adult woman? Most of the women claim to be content with their relationship status but still remain the target of intrusive questions. I do believe in the institution of marriage and have never been averse to getting married one day to the right guy. This is where the problem starts, with that phrase “the right guy”. By Pakistani standards, I am probably at the bottom of the pyramid of eligible women. I still , though, do not find the idea of “settling for” someone appealing. Everyone reminds me how I should make compromises and lower my expectations. As long as the man has decent looks and a respectable career and family background I should not complain. However, I do not see it that way. Everyone around me may tell me a man is perfect for me, but I feel it has to be me who should get to decide. The prospect man might be earning a lot, might belong to the best of families and might be a nice person, but if I do not find him compatible to talk to or to be with, I cannot picture being married to him. I do not subscribe to the idea of striking a compromise right at the advent of my married life. The adjustments and compromises should be made in the marriage, not while finding the person you want to be with. Therefore, girls who are single are not so because they have not received a single proposal . It is because they have put a high enough worth on themselves not to fall for the first Mr. Wrong who comes along. These women believe their identity goes far beyond the tiny slot allotted to them as ‘wife of’ and who want to live life on their own terms.
Being single also does not mean we single women are perpetually hunting for men. The narrative is there though. Single women are seen as a threat to relationships, and as such are left out of social gatherings, conversations, vacations , anything you can invite someone to, essentially. The assumed default setting for single women is “on the prowl.” If she is single, she must be looking. I mean, my God, can you imagine her NOT looking? I would like to be viewed as a whole person, with all the same interests people in couples have, rather than as someone who is poised to pounce at any moment, as if “catching a man” is all I can think about.Over the years, there is some progress in the offing, as the growing representation of single people in the population has begun to outweigh the stigmatisation of singlehood. Our society still thinks of women as social creatures, not meant to be by their lonesome. It is infantilising to be treated like a sad, lost lamb just because someone has not accompanied me socially. It is neither brave nor sad for a woman to be alone. Being single also does not mean we , single women are candy , so you have to avert your spouse’s eyes from us. If I am distracting your husband in a way that makes you feel threatened, he is the one you need to have a little chat with, not me. I have zero intention to intrude into other people’s relationships, but my life will no longer be led by a desire to protect the feelings and security of married women. I do not know about all single women, but this single woman is not interested in a man who is going to have to go through the heavy lifting of a break up or even a divorce just to be with me. That is bonkers! I have no interest in luring away a man who is still on your lease. I would like a nice, employed , free one, thank you. When people ask the question “And do you have another half?” , my nuclear option, “No, I’m a whole person,” is deployed only in the most desperate of circumstances. To develop a more inclusive society, we should learn to accept and embrace single living and resist prejudices against singles. Are we single women missing out on the greatest emotions a human can have? Shall we slide into selfishness, loneliness, or insignificance? Who will be there for us when we grow old? Additionally, is a life without intimate physical companionship one half-loved and half-lived? In my opinion, as a modern , single woman , I am not supposed to feel that I am missing out. I do not feel obliged to hide any feelings of shame or inadequacy or longing. Singleness is no longer to be sneered at since never marrying is a valid choice. Single is no longer a lack of options but a choice. A choice to refuse to let your life be defined by your relationship status but to live every day Happily and let your Ever After work itself out. Sometimes, it is really not as simple as putting on a ring.
The writer is an ex-banker and a freelance columnist. She can be reached at tbjs.cancer.1954 @gmail.com