Pakistan – the land of breathtaking scenery, majestic history, glorious bazaars and media houses that reinvent the meaning of the phrase “objective journalism.” In this oasis of unbiased reporting, truth is secondary, facts take the backseat, opinions – loud ones at that – are presented as gospel and neutrality is a dish best served with a healthy dose of strategic ambiguity. For the person on the street, it seems that sticking a microphone in people’s faces and then seeing them squirm is what passes as broadcasting nowadays. That, my dear readers, is the way to shape opinion or more importantly, thrust opinion down people’s throats! There is nowhere that impartiality takes the most hit than the juggernaut of breaking news or should it be broken news? A penny for your thoughts? This has become the national pastime now with each channel trying to outdo the other in the absurdity, shallowness, urgency and colourfulness of this initiative. A donkey has fallen well, a goat is missing, kites are being flown, a bicycle collides with a tree, rain falls, and the sun rises – just some of the gems that can be headlined under breaking news. Talk about stating the obvious and the mundane! There are so many news tickers running at the same time, and in opposite directions, that it can cause the most experienced of whirling dervish to fall flat on the floor. For the channel’s favourite political leader, the news report reads more like a love letter penned by Romeo and smells far more intoxicating than the latest fragrance from Gucci. It is so rich with adjectives and adoration that the most romantic of Ahmed Faraz’s ghazal pales in comparison. And what about the out-of-favour politician? Sarcastic indictment is par for the course, words are manipulated to paint even a good deed as a bargain with the devil and facts become as fluid as The Ravi in monsoons. If this poor sap has even snatched a lollypop from another child 40 years ago, that story breaks with a fervour and zeal that overshadows the devotion of the disciples at Data Darbar! Media outlets in Pakistan would have you believe that they are the fortress of diversity and balance. Next, we have the talk show circuit or maybe it should be a circus. Who knows? If the clown costume fits, I always say! Panellists have enough makeup to put a cosmetics-laden 80s heroine to shame and retain enough hairspray to allow a small bird to nest and lay hatchlings. Each guest is a self-proclaimed moral authority on everything from the price of cotton to the signs of extraterrestrial life. The invitees yell over each other to subdue the rest while spewing illogical rhetoric hotter than a chilly-filled chapli kebab. The moderator, possessing the patience of a car driver at a Lahore traffic light, sits enigmatically trying to maintain order using hand gestures and thundering “allow him to complete!”. All the while, the producer whispers in the earpiece “Let them continue, let’s see if this can turn physically ugly (Ameen)”. All participants secretly hope that maybe one of them will be heroic and brave enough like Dr. Paradise Lover Awan and smack the other! In the end – there is no resolution, there is no reprieve, there is no way forward but everyone including the viewer is thoroughly entertained even if not informed. Similarly, Pakistani interviews are a physical manifestation of the slogan of the Ben Stiller-starred Hollywood flick Dodgeball – dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge! The host apt in not asking the right questions and the guest skilled in not answering the questions asked. As the show moves on, the conversation and responses become as irrelevant as gajar ka halwa on a hot summer day. Whataboutery takes the front seat, historical ills committed by the rivals are mentioned, intricate defence filled with historical references and Urdu poetry is used and if everything else fails, spiritual discourse about destiny and philosophy is utilised to deflect any interesting query. With nothing to show, the ever-dependable “time is up” line is used to come to an abrupt end with the audience wondering where the last 60 minutes of their lives went! Lastly, we have the actual rockstars of the Pakistani media – the news anchors. The gents are adorned with the latest fashion ready to catwalk to Milan and the ladies are decked up with hair so straight and fluffed that even the fashionistas in Paris remain in awe! Their language delivery works at both extremes. On one end – the vocals put monotone to shame, with no emotion, no excitement and no interest. Here, facts are delivered with the deadpan delivery of Keanu Reeves. On the other end – enthusiasm and high bass are used to heighten suspense and then shout out the news in a shriek that mimics Neve Campbell in the Scream franchise! But wait, there is more! Media outlets in Pakistan would have you believe that they are the fortress of diversity and balance. That may be true if that meant that they offer a rich tapestry, of the same viewpoint! The spectrum of their discourse may go very slightly from centre-left to centre-right but make no mistake, they are by-and-large branches of a well-managed and well-manicured single oak tree. All in the race for TRPs and ratings where almost anything is fair game and where unfortunately the first casualty is objectivity. Incongruity notwithstanding, there is a certain appeal to Pakistani media. Just like society at large, it is also highly polarised, opinionated and often ridiculous. It is a constant reminder that truth is stranger than fiction and in most cases, far more enjoyable. But there is some hope – a new generation of news consumers, armed with the power of social media, asking probing questions, not taking no for an answer. They are demanding more, rejecting narratives and ignoring age-old wisdom. In the true essence of the statement, they are the future! And maybe just maybe they will be the ones to free the sheep of objectivity from the wolves of sensationalism. The writer is Director Programmes for an international ICT organization based in the UK and writes on corporate strategy, socio-economic and geopolitical issues.