Imran Khan’s recent increase in popularity as a realistic candidate to lead Pakistan has given rise to two things quite drastically: hope and critics. Hope — we all like, so I will not really talk about that. Critics — now there is an interesting and dangerous topic.
To clarify, I am not talking about the paid critics who have been domesticated by political parties over the years to attack Imran Khan. These kinds of critics are usually known to have elongated fangs that are covered in poison. However, their bite is not dangerous, as you tend to develop a natural immunity to it if you were born in Pakistan.
The critics I am referring to are a new breed of ‘wild’ Imran Khan critics. They threaten the safety, security and most importantly the prosperity of the people of Pakistan and must be stopped before they cause as much havoc as their cousins did with dengue fever.
Hearing about their existence, I immediately indulged in an in-depth research as to their character. The results shocked me at first. It turned out that they are mostly foreign qualified, well-educated professionals with deceptively normal looking teeth. However, a closer analysis revealed two key attributes that differentiate them from others with a similar background:
1. Their Khala jaan/Phuppa jaan is a minister, who actually got them their current job.
2. The constant need to be perceived as cool, intellectual and different even if they themselves realise what they are saying is a load of rubbish.
After controlled testing, I am pleased to announce that I have found the cure for their bite. I call this the ‘Critic Emergency Kit’. However, always remember, prevention is better than cure and if you realise that you are in the presence of such an Imran Khan critic, try to change the topic and if that fails, leave the vicinity immediately. Please also follow the instructions on the kit carefully.
Step 1:
After the IK critic has bitten you, start clapping. This will lead it to believe that its bite has been effective at which point it will grin, start singing, ‘I just ask questions’ and enter into a peacock style dance.
Step 2:
After the IK critic has danced for approximately two minutes, stop clapping and look straight into its eyes. Ask it this crucial question precisely: “If not Imran Khan, who do you think the Pakistani people should vote for?” Please note this question is different to: “Who will you vote for?” to which the smart Imran Khan critic responds with, “Whoever I think is the suitable candidate.” Once the question has been asked accurately, the effect of the bite should be reversing as the IK critic would be clueless as to its response.
Step 3:
If the IK critic has some humility and humanity left, he will be cured along with you. If not, it will actually provide you with a name. Whatever the name is, at this point all you need to say is: “You really believe that? After everything he has done for this country, you still believe that? How can you look at yourself in the mirror and call yourself a true Pakistani?” At this stage the IK critic becomes completely helpless. If you want to exterminate the IK critic, proceed to step 4. Otherwise by now the effects of the bite would have been reversed completely.
Step 4:
For this step you need to have a smile on your face and repeat the following words: “Asking questions is a good thing, but the quality of your questions makes a huge difference. We need to stop being selfish and support an honest man when he is standing in front of us. Every person has his flaws and even the most well planned policies can fail; what matters is the quality of the effort put in. All other politicians have had a chance to make a difference. Unfortunately, they made a difference to the size of their pocket rather than to the conditions of this country. Let’s elect somebody genuine for a change.”
Keep smiling and walk away.
The writer is a Research Fellow of the Endowed Chair Law and Governance, University of Groningen, Netherlands