Have you ever wondered why Masood Khan Rangeela (1937–2005) ruled the hearts and souls of generations of Punjabis? Rangeela, a Pathan, came all the way from Peshawar and within months, he was the comedy king of Punjabi movies. He enthralled Punjabi spectators not through his witty or snide remarks (for that Munawar Zarif was the matchless genius). What turned him into a Punjabi folk hero was his ability to give an objective correlative to Punjabis’ deep emotions about humour. Punjabis were fascinated by Rangeela’s pretension, in movies and real life, that he was a donkey in human form. In almost every movie, he not only made asinine facial and bodily contortions, his most famous act was his dulati (kicking backwards) — he would fling around with one leg imitating a donkey. And there was a lot of other stuff thrown in too. Even when there was no grass around, he would eat imaginary grass to the utter delight of the packed cinemas of Punjab. And when there was no time or situation for eating even imaginary grass, Rangeela would pretend to eat clothes like a donkey. He was also known by the name of khota (donkey). At one point, Rangeela got serious about the donkey business. In his seriousness, he did what Punjabis do when they are serious: dump Punjabi and use Urdu. (There is a lot of research literature available on Punjabis’ hatred of their own language.) He made a movie Insaan aur Gaddha (Human and Donkey) in Urdu, in which he showed how a donkey is transformed into a human being. As a human being, however, his love for grass is not diminished. He, the erstwhile donkey, is transfixed when he sees a donkey eating grass. At one point, he makes a speech to donkeys holding a bunch of grass that serves as a microphone. Ultimately, he prays to God and is retransformed into a donkey. Whereas Rangeela objectified Punjabis’ fascination with grass in a jocose way, Punjab’s greatest leaders have been very serious about grass. When India occupied Siachen in the mid-1980s, the people of Pakistan, led by Benazir Bhutto, were surprised and angry at the army’s failure to defend Siachen. Ironically, Pakistan at that time was not ruled by a ‘bloody’ civilian, but was under martial law and the sole ruler was no other than President General Ziaul Haq, a Punjabi. He reacted angrily to those who had suggested (it was not possible to be explicit in those times) that the army was incompetent or complacent. He thundered, “Gentlemen, look! Defenders of Pakistan are performing their functions with full courage. I am fully aware of my duties, we are doing our best. But is it not a matter of surprise that this whole bullshit is from the leaders of the Party [i.e., Benazir Bhutto and her Pakistan People’s Party], solely responsible for the dismemberment of half of the country? They didn’t allow their parliamentarians to attend the assembly session and as a result of which the nation had to surrender half of the country before the enemy and now they are shedding crocodile tears for a rocky and barren glacier where even a leaf of grass does not grow.” Grass, you see! Had there been grass on Siachen, the general would have defended it with the blood of his soldiers. But no grass, no action. After Zia’s death, the people of Punjab saw the rise of another Punjabi. Nawaz Sharif was very mindful of grass in his ‘principled’ stand against India just like General Zia, his mentor. As Pakistan’s prime minister, he threatened India in no unclear terms, “We will eat grass, but will make atomic bombs.” At another point he said, “We will eat grass if we have to, but we will not bow down.” (Unfortunately, he did not tell people how grass can be eaten by humans without bending down.) Then he supervised Pakistan’s successful testing of nuclear arms. He fulfilled his fellow Punjabis’ bottomless desire to become powerful and mighty by going nuclear. The economy went down. It has not recovered since 1998 when Pakistan became a nuclear [Yes!] power. Now people have virtually been reduced to eating grass. But Punjabis are a clever species. They will not eat grass themselves. They have the Baloch and Sindhis to do that. The Baloch have indeed been serving as beasts of burden since the day Balochistan was annexed by the state of Pakistan. If, however, push comes to shove, the Punjabis can always sacrifice Ahmedis, Christians, and Shias from amongst them. In recent history, the ruling elite of Punjab has shown its ability to sacrifice these communities for political gains. However, the question is, given Pakistan’s population explosion and the proliferation of housing societies and colonies, what happens when we run out of grass? The writer is the author of Two and a half words and other stories. He can be contacted at hellozaidi@gmail.com