It is said that if you want the destruction of whatever morality you are bestowed with, the easiest and the fastest way is to watch a three-hour long Pashto film. At a younger age, I had the misfortune of making that mistake when the only thing that mattered was having that ‘extra’ adventure. Since then, I have desperately tried to restore whatever little traces of that lost morality I am left with. Thanks be to the head of a national political party, known only as ‘Haji sahib’, for afflicting the masses with regular doses of ‘morality’ through a chain of cinema houses spread all over Peshawar. He is less popular as a leader but his worshippers run into the thousands, turning up at different cinemas owned by him to pay homage to the screening of ‘family’ entertainment. One really feels sorry for Haji sahib when these seats of learning and virtue are blown up by the Taliban every other day without realising the positive impact these cinema houses have on our population at large. Our astronomical population growth rate owes its roots to these divine seats of spiritual learning. The fertility of the Pashto film industry (Pollywood), in terms of coming up with legendary actors is remarkable. We had Badar Munir, a film star and director who starred in over 400 films from 1970 to 2002. Before joining the film industry, he used to drive a rickshaw in Karachi but later got a job as a tea boy in actor Waheed Murad’s office. He was introduced by Waheed Murad to the film industry in 1970. However, his real talent was his ability to lift oversized Pashto film actresses with poetic ease without crushing his backbone. Secondly, out of the 400 films he acted in, he was ‘fortunate’ to have been a part of the attempted assaults on the poor actresses in 350 of them. This distinction alone qualifies him to be added to the Guinness Book of World Records. His death in 2008 has deprived the film industry of many accomplished acts of violence against women. How can one talk about Pashto films without mentioning the name of Musarrat Shaheen? She was an iconic heroine of Pashto films — bold and beautiful with the ideal physique (that could be compared with sumo wrestlers) suited for Pashto films. According to reliable medical sources, most of the spine issues faced by Pashto film heroes owe their roots to the weight of this gigantic ‘pretty face’. Sadly, she said goodbye to the film industry and joined politics by becoming the founder chairperson of the Pakistan Tahreek-e-Musawat. Her new role in politics has given nightmares to the Jamiat-i-Ulema-e-Islam leader, Maulana Fazlur Rehman, in every general election. One of the most fascinating features of Pollywood is the selection of a film’s name. This is the first step that sets in motion the success or otherwise of the movie. The absurdity of the names can be seen in releases such as Zama Pagal Janana, Za Badmash Yam, Charsi, Kaki Jan, Pakhawri Badmash, Nangyalay, Zargay, Ma Sho Pagal, Mala Jawab Raka, Sharifay, Ba Na Cheeray, Ziddi Pakhtun, Maku Kharab Sheh, Haramkhor and my favourite, Mama Cheera Pakhton Yam. I wonder where people come up with so many ‘pathetic’ names. Although these films are commonly known as ‘soft porn’, what is shown in them often surpasses the content produced by the billion dollar ‘hardcore’ industry. The amount of flesh gyrating on the big screen is a treat to watch. The movement of body parts in almost every conceivable direction defies the very principles of momentum, elasticity, relativity and equilibrium. Apart from these ‘talented’ actresses, the real architects behind these masterpieces are the cameramen who have the expertise to go to any length to magnify whichever part of the human anatomy the spectators are dying to get a look at (known as extreme zero-angles). These guys would come in handy if given a chance by medics in the MRI or CT sections of hospitals across the country to detect the presence of cancer cells. Their zero-angle insights into the human body can detect any molecular level microscopic deformity. However, extreme caution should be taken by parents who want their children to watch these entertaining acrobats on celluloid. Once, a mother by mistake took her child to watch one of these sensational hits. Tragically, the child to date suffers from fits of insanity with no cure. No matter how we look at it, this industry has survived under extreme conditions. Even the ruthless rule of Ziaul Haq and his misguided Islamisation could not deter the regular churning out of this trash. Instead of sulking, the best option is to sit back and enjoy while flesh is displayed with ferocious vulgarity. The writer is a PhD in Information Technology and has authored two books titled Understanding Telecommunications and Living in the Grave