The legislative bill to curb domestic violence in Pakistan has interestingly, or tragically, turned into controversial legislation. The bill is being debated on “religious” grounds. It’s perhaps one of the most dangerous steps to further tarnish the image of Islam as a religion of peace and acceptance. After legitimising terrorism and religious intolerance, now domestic violence is also being projected as permissible and justified. The centuries-old patriarchal social system has already degraded the status of women against a dignified portrayal of men on a socio-economic and religious basis. Since male members are “providers” in financial terms, they have rightful discretionary powers over “their” women, ranging from making decisions about their lives to beating them or even killing them in name of honour. I had once supervised research on this justification of domestic violence in one of the rural areas of Punjab, and results showed that a deep-rooted mindset and societal behavioural pattern accepts, expects and respects men’s superior stature including their right to beat women. The most striking feature of these findings was that the majority of the respondents were women, and they ascertained their “belief” in the justification of wife battering. They had inherited this mindset from their elders and were now transferring it to their next generation as just a way of life, dictate of a woman’s fate and an essential part of her existence. Since a grandmother has suffered beating, it’s “okay” for a granddaughter to receive her share of suffering. This is an inheritance of suffering, grief and discrimination transferred from generation to generation. The legitimate inheritance share in the property and other financial assets is of course denied to women as being too unintelligent, dependent and incapable of managing the financial matters. Their unpaid contribution to the economy is conveniently ignored.
Since a grandmother has suffered beating, it’s “okay” for a granddaughter to receive her share of suffering. This is an inheritance of suffering, grief and discrimination.
Somehow this silence to domestic violence has been rather fanaticised and glamourised subtly. We have all heard of stories of abuse and have decided, preferred or opted to remain silent about it. We sympathise and, in fact, unconsciously “adore” women who have suffered in silence. One of the iconic ladies of the subcontinent’s film media, Ms Mahjabeen, popularly known as Meena Kumari, is one such example. She was a legendary actor of her time and performed some unforgettable roles. Her last released movie, Pakeeza, is considered one of all times Hindi classics. It depicted the plight of a prostitute of Lucknow city who falls in love with the scion of a noble family and struggles to find acceptance from society as a Pakeeza (pure) person. The married life of the actor herself has also been described as a deplorable one. There had been media reports of abuse, negligence and emotional torture she had to bear with. She was often seen with swollen eyes by her close friends which she tried to hide behind that beautiful “Mona Lisa smile”. She was also a poetess and expressed some of her grief through her verses. She was a celebrity, an economically independent woman who had acclaimed fame with her talent and hard work and still suffered from the social pressures of being unacceptable in a respectable family and shadowed by a professionally successful husband. It was against the notions of feminine dignity to express her grief and misery. She had to bear it all by herself. For a sensitive soul, it was beyond forbearing and her liver gave up. She died too young. She is loved and mourned by fans of her art, not many of us knowing the agony behind that grace and beauty. Decades on, we still pressurise our women to maintain that falsehood of a happy married life, hiding all the pain and we unintentionally glorify that pain also.
Stove burning, verbal abuse, emotional torture, physical assault, marital rape are miseries faced not only by economically dependent and less-educated women but also by educated and successful career women, who keep their traumas hidden behind stardom, financial independence and a pretentious lifestyle. The murder of Ms Noor Muqadam is proof of the trauma faced by women irrespective of class identity. The methodology may be different, but the intensity of toxic masculinity exercised is similar in such suppressive relationships that women bear in silence.
Nargis, a close friend of late Meena Kumari, an actor herself, had written a condolence note for a newspaper on her friend’s sad demise. She had congratulated Meena Kumari on her death. She sincerely realised that death meant emancipation for her friend. On her 88th birthday, should we still say happy death to Meena Ji? Aren’t we all guilty of passively watching….a woman being murdered, physically like Noor or emotionally like Meena? Policymakers have to legislate and implement laws to protect women from all kinds of violence. Mindset regarding this power ridden relationship has to be changed. Otherwise, all we have to offer our victimised women is a happy death, because we cannot provide them with a happy life.
The writer is an assistant professor of Political Science at Kinnaird College. Her email is [email protected]