Dear Mathira & Rose,
I am a 27-year-old-girl and work in a bank. Two years back, I befriended this girl in my office who’s a couple of years older to me but still we hit it off really well and became the best of friends over time. We both shared the same kind of upbringing and our bond became such that I started considering her a sister. One day, my boss called me to his office and told me to stay away from her as her repute wasn’t right and I was also being judged by everyone since I was hanging out with her. I became furious because my boss has no right to interfere in my personal life. I never told this to her thinking she might get hurt. Some days later, another colleague of mine pointed out, telling me to stay away from her as she wasn’t a “good girl”. Furious again, I snubbed my colleague. Sometime later, I got to know through a common friend that she had badmouthed me to him and had told that kind of stuff to him that I used to share only with her. I was really shocked. When I confronted her, she began stammering and making excuses and denied everything, saying the context in which she said all of it was different. A week later, another friend of mine told me the exact same things that she had badmouthed me and had spilled some of my personal things which only she knew about. Now, I’ve started maintaining a distance from her as she has really broken my trust. She obviously noticed the change in my behaviour and tried to lighten me up, inviting me for a sleepover or for a quick lunch, etc the way we used to. I miss hanging out with her because we were very close but I can’t trust her again. What do I do?
Rose’s advice:
We all have befriended someone and given up our secrets and personal problems in front of them and at the end of the day, we are backstabbed. All of us have been there. It’s okay. Sometimes, when you trust someone and they break your trust, you just have to get over them. Take that as a lesson. For two years, she kept gaining your trust and then started spilling your personal information. Now that being a good girl or a bad girl doesn’t mean your boss interferes as that’s her personal life. I think what your friends and your boss are trying to point out here is that you never know, one day she might cause harm to you. If she was really a good friend, she wouldn’t have passed on your personal stuff to other people.
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Mathira’s advice:
If a person is badmouthing you, then that person is not your well wisher, no matter how many memories or how many things you guys have shared. That’s like running to a dead end. So don’t do that and stay away from her. Memories can be built with another person if you just take a look around. If you can’t trust someone then it’s useless to try to even build a relationship with that person. I think above care, love and everything else, comes trust. Even if you’re just going out with your friend, you’re actually trusting them with whatever you’re doing. Trust holds a very strong place so with your personal stuff going out, all I’ll say is that small things start and end up in a big mess. So my advice is to stay away.
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