I hated my cell room in Kot Lakhpat Jail. It was cold, dark, a guard kept showing up and disturbing my sleep and worst of all; I wasn’t meant to be there. I was on ‘Suicide Watch’ due to a series of extremely unfortunate and unexpected events that occurred earlier in the day. For the hundredth time I cursed my luck and wondered how differently my birthday might have turned out had I gotten up a little bit earlier. Yes indeed, today was meant to be my ‘special day’ and thus I made the fatal mistake of assuming that I could sleep in and recover from the rigors of Cambridge AS Levels. This was not to be for other people, namely my parents had other plans for me. As soon as the clock struck twelve, signaling the end of August 29th and ushering in the 30th, my phone was barraged with calls and texts from various relatives and friends, all eager to congratulate the fact I was one year closer to dying. They apparently did not know the best way to congratulate me was to let me sleep. At any rate, I was kicked out of bed by my mother, claiming that I was showing the signs of becoming an antisocial psychopath by ignoring the nine hundredth and ninety ninth well-wisher and for not making a program with my friends. With characteristic enthusiasm, she offered to organize my birthday, an offer I all too gladly turned down lest I found myself swimming around in a ball pit at McDonalds. Finally, after detaching me from the computer, PS4 and the television, I was ordered to be ‘active’ and kicked out of the house by my dear father. I don’t understand the ‘special’ distinction of being the birthday boy if everyone is so determined not to let you do what you want. In irritation, I caved into my friend’s demands and agreed to meet them at a Pizza place in Phase-V DHA where I expected to have a delicious meal. I did not expect that they would be understaffed on that particular day, nor did I expect that I would I have to foot the entire bill (my traitorous friends showed up with empty wallets and sad faces, so I had to give in). This, added to my sleep-befuddled state did not help matters. Most of all, as I yawned and stretched out my arms, I did not expect that a girl and her boyfriend, accompanied by a few tough looking fellows who resembled gorillas in both physical and mental aspects would be sitting behind me. The entire situation was so ridiculous that I often think that I may have imagined it. But alas, I did not. My hand touched her very real shoulder, making contact with the smooth skin of her arm. She immediately let out a banshee-like scream, and as I tried to recover from the ringing in my ears, her boyfriend sprang up from his speak like a veritable knight in shining armor and grabbed me. “Why you touch my girl!” He yelled, spraying my face with spittle. Looking upon his gorilla-like associates, I believed the best course of action would be to hit him and run away. When panic meets fatigue, anything seems like a good idea. It was not a very good idea, for as I hit him, sending the boy sprawling on the floor, I made a beeline for the exit. As I rushed out, the security guard with speed that betrayed his age grabbed me with arms of iron. Then I said something stupid. “If you dare lock me up, I will kill myself.” What followed next was a blur. I can only recall being ushering to a police jeep and sent to Kot Lakhpath Jail’s suicide unit where I was stripped of most of my clothes. They feared that I could kill myself via jeans and a T-Shirt. Or perhaps by poor fashion choices. It seemed like an eternity passed when the door swung open and my parents showed up. The concerned look on their faces evaporated upon seeing my condition and they began to laugh. My ears reddened as I was ushered out of my cell. “Well son,” my father chortled “I didn’t expect you to get overly active.” I bowed my head as I resolved to myself that I would never go to Pizza again, and I would stay clear of young couples. Especially women. Most of all, I would turn my phone off on my birthday. Shahrez Ali Shaban Lahore Published in Daily Times, October 11th 2018.