MUMBAI: In what is an unprecedented move in terms of the sheer attendance, thousands of cows and bulls rallied all over Maharashtra to support secularism and women rights in the state and the country. The move comes after President Pranab Mukherjee gave assent to the Maharashtra Animal Preservation (Amendment) Bill, 1995, 19 years after the Maharashtra Assembly passed the bill. The attendance, believed to be over 100,000 according to extremely conservative Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) estimates included cattle from all walks of life. The binding force between the cattle was their unflinching quest to uphold their secular and feminist ideals. “Martial rape, legal. Eating beef, 5-year sentence. What the moo!” exclaimed a senior bull in the Mumbai protests. “Let’s focus on the dire straits also knows as women rights in India and then worry about beef later,” he added. As thousands of cows, bulls and buffaloes held placards saying ‘Yes to beef’ we wondered whether the cattle actually knew what beef was. “That would be our meat,” clarified a young calf, while talking to Khabaristan Times. “Of course, everyone present here knows what beef is,” he added. “Listen, we’re all going to die anyway. But we don’t let ourselves be the reason behind India damaging its secularity,” he clarified. A senior cow leading the movement told Khabaristan Times that there is nothing more important than upholding secularism considering the religious extremism that is damaging many countries including some in the immediate neighbourhood. “Taking away the right of people to eat what they want for religious reasons, not only contradicts Bharat’s secularity, it also makes us look like Pakistan,” she said. “I’m a proud Indian, but a firm believer in Aman ki Asha and despite being fully aware of the perils of Eidul Azha, I am totally against the ban on us being chopped and consumed for nutritional purposes,” she added. The leader of the cattle said that Hindu extremists were only bothered by their deaths when Muslims killed them, and couldn’t care less what happened otherwise. “It’s also this hypocrisy that we want to target. Apparently out lives only matter when Muslims take them. We’re goddesses only when Muslims want to eat us,” she added. “It’s not as if our worshippers mind when we die of pollution or general toxic environment. It’s not as if these Hindutva people keep us in palaces otherwise,” she stressed. A young cow claimed that law-making for women empowerment is what India needs. “Let’s focus on what we are doing to our women first,” she said. “We, the cows, are going to be exploited for meat, milk or meat anyway – why don’t you humans focus on one half of your population first?” she asked. This satire originally appeared in Khabaristan Times and has been reproduced with permission.