Providing care to a loved one can be challenging and stressful. It can take an immense toll on one’s physical and mental well-being. Speaking from experience, responsibilities of being a family caregiver feels like a full-time job. I think even family caregivers themselves are shocked to discover the enormous physical and mental toll caregiving has the potential to take on them. Like many forms of burnout, Caregiver Burnout too has long been swept under the rug. Society is thought starting to shed more of a light on it helping to eliminate any stigma or embarrassment associated with it. Therefore, it is my responsibility to write about Caregiver Burnout having experienced it as something real and debilitating. Since, family caregiving is often a long-term challenge, the emotional impact can snowball over time. One may face years or even decades of caregiving responsibilities. It can be particularly disheartening if one feels that they are in over their head, if there is no hope that our family member will get better, or if, despite our best efforts, their condition is gradually deteriorating.
That is why as a primary caregiver to my ailing mother, I have realised taking care of myself is not a luxury, it is a necessity. Cultivating my own emotional and physical well-being is just as important as making sure my mother gets to her doctor’s appointment or takes her medication on time. Generally, stress can feel overwhelming, but burnout feels more like chronic exhaustion. Once I reached burnout, I progressed from saying things like, “I have too much on my plate” to “I’m done.” My ability to do the job with the same vim or vigor had changed. I noticed that I was angry more often or more withdrawn around others. I felt wiped out.
Caregiver burnout is a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. Common signs and symptoms of caregiver stress are anxiety, depression, irritability, feeling tired and run down. Difficulty sleeping. Overreacting to minor nuisances. Research also shows that nearly 40 percent of family caregivers of people over the age of 50 report high levels of stress, and 20 percent answered that they feel alone. Unfortunately, family caregivers often are not able to get the physical and mental healthcare they need. There are reported cases of difficulty in accessing mental health services, dental services, medications, and other supportive services for themselves due to lack of time or opportunity. Since , I was not taking care of myself, I was not getting enough sleep or exercise or eat a healthy diet thereby was at a greater risk of developing chronic health conditions, such as heart disease or diabetes. It had become really important that I address it, because caregiver burnout could harm my health. Caregiver burnout sneaks up on us so slowly, we may not even realise it is happening. When I began to care for a loved one with dementia, I started to need help with things like cooking, paying bills, or remembering to take their medications. It can feel fairly manageable at first. However , as the person’s cognitive decline progressed, I also had to provide more personal care support, assisting with bathing, dressing, grooming and feeding. By that point, I had become so busy and also so mentally and physically exhausted, I did not have the time or energy to address the burnout I was feeling. Another important observation is when you are thrust into a caregiving role for a parent, it can feel very jarring. You are suddenly changing the incontinence briefs of someone you used to laugh with, look up to, and share your deepest feelings with. Your parent now depends on you for everything, including the most basic functions. It is confusing and upsetting, and you may be grieving because the person you had a relationship with may now seem like a child. There is a lack of reciprocity, which makes you feel lonely and alone.
Sometimes when I talk to family caregivers, they say, ‘I am failing at this,’ when it’s exactly the opposite. If someone has a progressive condition, no amount of love or care can change that. You may find that no amount of caregiving can “cure” your loved one’s challenges, and you may experience other difficulties, such as financial setbacks or conflicts with other family members about caregiving. You may find that your resources begin to feel thinner. Fatigue sets in as the days and weeks pass. These unrealistic expectations can also come from other family members who do not help out, but weigh in with their opinions and suggestions without understanding the reality of the situation. In addition, many caregivers feel guilty that they struggle with caregiving. Pressure will continue to mount, especially if you are the sole or primary caregiver. You also might develop a belief that you are the only person who can properly care for your loved one. There is a belief that caregivers should be selfless and not complain about their challenges and struggles. The work of a caregiver requires a great deal of sacrifice, which may lead to a belief that they cannot take a break or even that they do not deserve one. That is not true, my therapist told me so. My psychotherapist who specialises in caregiver mental health was a helpful sounding board and fountain of wisdom to help me establish boundaries and tend to my own needs. Prioritise your own physical and mental health by receiving adequate sleep, exercising, eating nourishing food, taking regular checkups, meditating or praying, and doing something each day that you enjoy. There are many ways to get help. First, remember, you cannot help others if your own physical and mental health is suffering. Like they tell you on an airplane, if the oxygen masks come down, you have to put yours on first, before assisting others. You are not much good as a caregiver if you are exhausted, depressed, and stressed. As much as the work of a caregiver matters, we still deserve to feel happy, to rest, and to thrive. Caregiving is a relationship. Both people in the relationship matter. You cannot provide quality care for your loved one without caring for yourself. Avoid feelings of guilt , no one is a perfect caregiver, and we all lose our tempers at times. Know that you are doing the best you can. Why should you care? Why is this a problem for all of us? Former First Lady Rosalyn Carter once famously said, “There are only four kinds of people in the world: those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers.” That is why!
*The columnist is an ex banker.
She can be reached at [email protected]