Dear Uncle Sam, Hello. This is your immigrant nephew once again. It has been a few earthquakes and many an uprising in our part of the world; these uprisings were not for prayers please note but were prayer-worthy, since I last touched base with your mighty. I have been confused these past couple of months so I thought I might rekindle our enduring freedom to communicate in isolation, albeit. I say isolation because I never fathom that you will ever read or return the favour. Maybe I should write to your wife Aunty Palin. After all, she just might respond fearing another presidental embrace from another brother immigrant. I wanted to write earlier and send the letter directly via my new best friend Raymond. But Raymond left without even having tea. I think we still managed to fulfil our age old tradition of extreme hospitality. I hope he is fine and not really worried about the murders we made him commit. We mean no harm to people who kill us, even for target practice but, somehow, Uncle, you seem to believe we blow up people. Maybe it is time Aunty takes over. I think I would like that better. It always feels nice to take orders from someone who smells nice and is soft to the touch. Uncle, I have been waiting to meet those small people you must have created to sit in those fighter airplanes that bombard the manytents (may be pronounced as ‘millitants’). Though I wonder what gender you chose for them as you call them ‘unmanned’. Though I am amazed that you have come this far this long fighting the Indians. After all, you have been practising in the Grand Canyon. But, as I see it, it is all a matter of time. The Indian chiefs eventually could not say no to a Big Mac meal — ingenious social assimilation tool. I say let us try the extra value meal for our tribal elders at the next grand jirga. But, please make sure it is fresh and hot. You may not be familiar to this part of the world. The only luxury powerful Pashtuns indulge in is a feast. I reitirate that the food should be piping hot. You never have been one to cater to the sensitivities of your hosts historically Uncle. Uncle, is it true? An unemployed friend of mine was telling me that he heard from a friend of a friend who came across the most bizzare news on a news channel on our independent cable television. The news around the globe is that you have hired a law firm to represent you in your dealings with me and my extended family members and brothers of the crescent and star. This law firm goes by the identity ‘Union Jack’. We feel that you hired Jack right after my new best friend Raymond, whom everybody loves, got back home. ‘What did he have to tell you? Really!’ Though one thing is for sure in this diplomatic sincerety, Raymond maybe Diamond, as the Punjab police believes, but I confirm that he is all Yank and no other. The authorities laid out a whole inventory list, that may as well have belonged to Walmart, of the items recovered from Raymond’s possession but he was not carrying a book. A book. What Caucasan would not carry a book? Answer: A Yankie. So there you have it. Uncle Sam, please introduce books in your schools. Every time we hear of an American school in the news it has something to boast about a gun. Now we know Raymond is also a high school graduate. This suggests that Afghanistan has succceded in exporting its system and culture to the US. But are you not the one investing a lot of time and a lot of billion greenbacks for the same? Uncle, is this all not so confusing? Uncle, every now and then someone or the other in my extended family and neighbourhood mentions that great magnanimous, almost Prophetic-like elusive figure known to all creation as Osama bin Laden. I once thought he was just another businessman’s son; just like Bilawal is. I have never seen him in real life but thanks to you, I can recall his each and every facial crese, all praise to Al Jazeera I say. Not to mention you loving him as much too. Frankly, I see a soft and humble person behind that face but I am just an immigrant. But, sometimes Uncle, I think that you are so adament in trying to find where Osama is as if he ran away with the paper having the AIDS cure explained. And with you being an AIDS sufferer. Uncle, if you would be humble enough (as I have never seen your face I really do not know if my request will bear fruit), I would like to suggest that all this chasing after each other is going to cost both of you; you already are low on immunity and this chasing game is going to use up a lot of ‘energy’. If the aim is to reserve more ‘energy’, I suggest you sit and talk. Love to Aunty Sara, From your immigrant Muslim Brother, Wasay Majid The writer is an MSc (Oxon) and development professional. He may be contacted at wasaymajid@hotmail.com