Dear Mathira & Rose,
I am a 25-year-old girl living in Lahore. A couple of months back, my best friend announced that she had been accepted for her Master’s degree at a London university and she was to leave soon. I was really sad as I wasn’t to see her for one whole year but I covered my sadness and threw her a big farewell party. A day later my best friend told me that her boyfriend, who she had been seeing for two years, was asking her not to go as he couldn’t do long-distance relationships. She told him that in this case, he could do nikah with her before she leaves so that when she returns after a year, they get married. He told her he wasn’t ready for marriage and needs some time. So she left for London. Before she left, she told me to talk to him and make him understand how much she loves him and how he should be patient, etc. Me and her boyfriend started talking, even hanging out and long story short, it’s been six months now and we’re in love. He’s everything I ever wanted and all this has happened behind her back. She has no clue that we’re dating. Last night, he asked me to marry him. I’ve said “yes” but only if he breaks up with her to whom he does talk from time to time so she doesn’t get suspicious. He called her and broke up with her. Now, how do I get married to him knowing she would be so heartbroken? I know this is wrong but I couldn’t control my feelings. How do I communicate this to her who trusted me with everything?
Rose’s advice:
Here I see, basically two options. One is you keep your friendship and #2 is that you carry on being with the man you think you’re in love with. I think what you did here was wrong. You’re definitely on the wrong side here. Sorry to say, but you betrayed her trust. You’re not to be trusted because if your best friend had trusted you to talk to her man and make him understand, then I don’t think you should’ve done what you did. Most girls go through the dilemma of just falling for a person. You just don’t fall. You can choose. It’s a conscious decision one makes by telling one’s brain and heart to fall for a man. #1 You should’ve known that this man isn’t emotionally available. #2 He claimed to be in love with your best friend and then confessed his love for you as well. I think he was continuing with her as well and keeping you on the side so he doesn’t get bored as you’re in the same city. I think your best friend would be devastated when she comes to know that you guys have been dating behind her back. Another thing of which I would remind you is that there’s a thing called karma that really exists. If you do bad to someone, which in this case you’ve done, it’s going to come back to you because I believe this man’s not to be trusted. Also, had he really loved her, distance wouldn’t have been a big deal for him as nowadays we have video call, Facetime, etc. Everything’s so easily available that it’s easy to be in touch. You think you’re in love because you’re probably infatuated or obsessed by him because six months is the honeymoon phase of any relationship. With time, you’ll also get to see this man’s real face. Once this honeymoon phase is over, he’s obviously going to look for someone else. You can either backstab your best friend by continuing whatever you’re doing with this man or be a better person. Tell her everything and leave the man. Move away from him. It’s entirely up to you what you’d like to do. You might not like it but you’re not trustworthy as you’ve betrayed your best friend and the man you think you’re in love with also betrayed his lover. You backstabbed her so you’re definitely at fault.
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Mathira’s advice:
To be honest, this is very weird and awkward. A man who can flip like this! Kids confuse love with attraction and habit. People declare their love when they’re happy and make promises when they’re really happy. But when things are not right and times are tough, the fact that they didn’t mean it shows. They’re not even around later. Your best friend trusted you and you ended up making a Bollywood film out of it. If you wanted, you would’ve maintained distance and not fall for him. You chose not to do that so you both are at fault. As far as marrying is concerned, perhaps he wasn’t ready then but he’s ready now. I don’t know about that, but you backstabbed your best friend. He left your best friend for you and made up his mind about you in less than six months. Are you sure this man is the perfect one for you? Really? I don’t understand why women think if a man leaves another woman for her or leaves his family for her, he’s the one. No. It’s a red flag. If he can leave his family, he can leave anyone. Same is for married men. If they can leave their children and wife for you, they can leave you too. This is very complicated so I’m just going to stop at the fact that you allowed this to grow. Had you not allowed it, it wouldn’t have happened. Don’t marry him yet. Give him space for another year, perhaps give him a cold shoulder and you’d see how fast he’ll hop on to the third one. Come clean in front of your best friend. If she’s over him, maybe she’ll give you both her blessings. Girls create problems for their own selves. It’s stupid. This isn’t a film. It won’t run like one. Life carries on and you meet the same people again. Real love stories don’t run for three hours and you don’t know what happened after that. If I were you, I would’ve been in touch, but the moment he would’ve sent signals like those, I would’ve drawn a big line right there. I would’ve known that he’s my best friend’s boyfriend and I wouldn’t let my guard down. I’m really upset at what you did and I hope your fairytale ends soon because from how I see it, two stupid, dumb girls are being played by one man.
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