Dear Mathira & Rose,
I am 32 years old and have three beautiful children. Both me and my husband are content and live happily. My trouble began when my sister-in-law (husband’s sister) revealed that she can’t have a baby owing to a medical condition. She’s devastated and so is everyone else. Now my husband wants us to try for a baby and give it to her after the child’s born. I don’t want to do this. Firstly, I’m done bearing three children and going through the torment of labour. Secondly, taking all these pains and coming home empty handed is bound to depress one. I don’t want to go through this ordeal. But my husband is adamant. What should I do?
Mathira’s Advice:
You are going through a rough patch, no doubt, given having a baby is a very big deal. It’s part of your soul and your body. All I’m going to say is that you need to advise your sister-in-law to adopt a child and give him/her a new home, rather than making someone go through all this torture. If you’re not ready, you have 100 percent right to stand up for yourself. It’s not clothes, ice-cream or a toffee we’re talking about; it’s a baby. No one can force you into this and you shouldn’t even be forced or blackmailed emotionally or physically. Just to save your marriage, you shouldn’t do this. I think they should look for a surrogate. If they find one, good luck. If they don’t find one, Allah will reward them for accepting a new child and giving him/her a bright future. Ninety-nine percent of every couple I see, which has faced terrible issues in conceiving, and then have adopted a child, have later conceived a child of their own as well. It’s the intention and miracles do happen. Tell them to believe in Allah and adopt a child. You don’t need to go through this. You’re his wife and have the right as a woman to say no. You’re not an oven that someone can put a cake in and bake and take it out. So, be strong.
Rose’s Advice:
That’s very sad news that your sister-in-law can’t have a baby. But, what your husband is demanding is also not right. You’re not an oven that you’ll make the baby and give it to his sister. Of course, going through nine months of pregnancy and then labour pains is not an easy thing. It’s very difficult and it’s very hard. Your husband is expecting that you act like an oven by baking the baby and serving it to his sister on a platter. You should share your views and suggestions with him. Tell him that even if you do have another child, you would want to keep it rather than giving it away for adoption. Even though, the child will be in front of you, but still. You have full right to share your views and say ‘no’. If she can’t have children, there are other ways. There are so many babies out there for adoption, waiting to go to new homes and plus, it’s a very rewarding act to raise an orphan or a child whose parents can’t afford him/her. Allah will bless them for this act. It’s not necessary that your parents are only those who have borne you. Parents are those who raise and feed you. If she’s thinking that by taking her brother’s child, she’ll feel closer to that kid, she’s wrong. What about surrogacy? If she can use you as a surrogate, then she can use someone else as a surrogate too. No one should bound you.