Parenting calls for utmost respect from children. Islam developed that insight long ago emphasising on this message so much that if I had to add one more pillar to the existing five it would have been kindness towards parents.
Qu’ran forbids children from raising their voice against their parents. It advises further not to express displeasure when they seek help. A Hadees too declares the paradise to be situated under the feet of mothers, a validation of Gods approval being intertwined with hers. Our culture-following the same ethos-abides by the same rules. If children did not fulfill their obligation, they would not be considered respectable members of the community to the extent that their personal accomplishments are ignored, their generosity disregarded.
In a glance, the concept seems to hold sway: we being citizens of a poor country — a country that does not provide any reassurances to the elderly — have to built a safety net to protect our seniors. Religion, morality, social norms and community expectations are lined up to achieve that simple goal. When the idea is seen in iteration — meaning today’s children will become tomorrow’s parents who will be looked after by their children and so on — it seems all the more appealing, everyone benefitting upon their turn, a perfect balance is established.
Taking a contrarian view, if you look deep into this paradigm, it might have imbalanced the society, tilting the scale too much on one side. Sometimes, it happens that bad outcomes transpire from good intentions. Anyway, respect of the elders means that children will always be blamed for not fulfilling their duty if the parents somehow feel dissatisfied even when this is unfounded; and that the parents will always be considered rightful even when their expectations are so unrealistic that children despite their best efforts can’t meet them.
On the other hand, the inherent disadvantage of youth — the biological pressures to get married and reproduce — puts the children in an impossible position, a stage set to cast them as evil, irresponsible, selfish or unthankful. Put it another way, whether they want to erase the stigma or to clench the highest level of virtue, children must ignore their human desires and dedicate their lives to the parents alone. Do you call it a balance?
Have you ever thought what happens to the psychology of children who grow up with such religious and social pressures? When they become parents and suffer financial troubles or face health-related challenges, how do they unload their frustrations on their successive generations? Is it possible that they unleash their repressed anger by subjugating their children through the same moral and ethical challenges?
Now allow me to show you how balancing works (or not) on a micro level. Being a parent myself, I understand each one of my children is born with a different personality. I have to engage with them differently (as expected), evoking a different kind of response from them. Typically, the stronger one tends to bully his weaker siblings and gets into trouble more often than not.
Have you ever thought what happens to the psychology of children who grow up with such religious and social pressures? When they become parents and suffer financial troubles or face health-related challenges, how do they unload their frustrations on their successive generations?
As he grows up, he will remember me in a different a way: a father who was tough and would scold him on little issues. The others would disagree insisting that dad always stood up to protect them or dad always did what was fair. As of now, I enjoy my job of balancing the power equation!
Unfortunately, certain parents carry over the divine attribute of bringing balance into children’s adult lives. If one of them is struggling financially, parents flex their religious muscle, pressurising the affluent siblings to help out. Imagine, what happens as they press on? Misunderstandings arise, gossips spring up, trust spirals down, in-house brawls break out and relationships fall apart. In the end, children stop seeing each other altogether.
Tell me: how should the children who do not receive preferential treatment react? Keep quiet, or consider it as another test of patience. According to the social paradigm, we should always be supportive of our parents even when they favor one over the other, a trend that has suffocated the society, a story pervading every social class, every ethnic group, and every religious sect. On that I have to admit the religion stays quiet, the literature afraid, and the society because of the financial constraints, just looks the other way. Children are left alone to internalise the trauma. Moreover, any divergence from the norm can be misinterpreted as challenging the religion, the Divine or the Scripture; a life-threatening task.
Understanding that suffering and dedication is required from both sides, first, we must promote a culture that encourages children to perform their religious and social duties in helping their parents. And second, we must not allow parents to use their religious and moral influence in a discriminatory, unfairly and unrealistic fashion.
Time has come to promote religious edicts in favour of children, to change the social paradigm in easing off pressure from the youth, to adjust the school curriculum and to amend the moral values in rebalancing the society. It is not going to happen though. Why? Because the people who can bring this change have themselves become parents, they have got a vested interest in status the quo. They won’t let go of the power that makes them near equal to God.
The writer is a US-based freelance columnist. He tweets at @KaamranHashmi and can be reached at [email protected]
Published in Daily Times, June 9th 2018.