Strong is an adjective with a positive connotation. I never doubted it. However, after spending more than three decades in the social development sector and experiencing a wealth of interactions in different disciplines, I have started questioning the official meaning of being strong when it is used for women. In my younger days, I used to take it as a compliment when I heard myself being referred to as a strong woman. Over the years, as I encountered instances of betrayal, defeat, rejection, and humiliation, I began a somewhat structured exercise of seeing myself through the eyes of others. That has been an interesting as well as a self-trauma-inflicting experience. Soon, I realized that when people in my social circle or workplaces label me as a strong woman, it does not always carry a positive connotation. Based on my observations, I have noticed various associations with the term ‘strong women,’ including attributes such as arrogance, nonconformity, overconfidence, difficulty, misfit, aggressiveness, passive-aggressiveness, psychopathy, frustration, and the tendency to dominate others.
As a researcher, I also attempted to confirm my interpretation of the undertones and subtexts by putting myself on the radar. I am grateful to peers, colleagues, and younger subordinates who have honestly expressed that, despite appreciating my competence and support in their careers, they feel intimidated by me and might not prefer having me on their team if they had the opportunity to decide. Ironically, I was also told that this does not mean they see me as not being a team player; rather, they admitted that I have always supported my colleagues rather than sabotaged them. What could be the reasons behind this? Is it merely luck? Could it be the absence of a certain X factor or charisma? Interestingly, when working outside of Pakistan, I have often been described as charismatic, candid, and enjoyable to work with. Is this related to geographic factors or the official employment grade assigned to individuals? Alas, there is no clear answer.
There is an appeal and acceptance for the wounded heroine and repulsion for the charmer.
As I progressed further, I started realizing that even in Western settings, “strong women” are not necessarily seen as “popular women,” “desirable women,” or “sought-out women.” It was perplexing. I began rereading the classic fiction that I once read as a child, teenager, and young woman. I realized that I always hated Deputy Nazir Ahmed’s Asghari (she was absolutely good and unreal) and liked Akbari (she was full of errors and originality). Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, though she committed suicide (which, to me, was indeed an act of courage), was in my good books despite being an imperfect mother. Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre and some female protagonists of Jane Austen, despite being in traditional plots, somehow appealed to me because of the hints of non-traditionalism they exhibited. Though I am an admirer of Virginia Woolf, I could not decipher Mrs Ramsay, the calm and energetic mother of eight kids and a dutiful wife, from “To the Lighthouse.” I can go on and on about the portrayal of women in the media too. Women were mostly presented either as victims or vamps. So, who is the strong woman, the latter or the former?
It seems that there is an appeal and acceptance for the wounded heroine and repulsion for the charmer. This seems fine and logical by all conventional yardsticks of sanity and morality; until one explores further and notices that the women who are projected as villains are actually acting human (not to be confused with humane), and they have leadership qualities too. Does this also mean that somewhere, somehow, patriarchal consensus cleverly translated leadership in women and their ability to commit follies, sins, and crimes as negative attributes? Then, with changing times, when it started to appear politically correct to talk about rights, equality, equity, and similar topics, some strategic translations were mainstreamed. “Badass” and “feminism” became synonymous. To appear polite and feminist while retaining centuries-old venom against brainy women, visionary women, radical women, and women asking for simple basic needs, a benign phrase – “strong women” – was constructed.
I have immense respect for all such strong women who live with their independent thinking, always siding with the inconvenient truth, working hard, and not snatching other people’s hard work. What about you?
The writer is a lone warrior and a freethinker and tweets @Apna_Wallet