As some honourable members of the Punjab Assembly recently declared, Panama Papers leaks are ‘satanic’ in nature. Here one must accept the Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz- (PML-N) led Punjab assembly as having some expertise in matters pertaining to Satan and his activities in Pakistan. The reason for bringing in Satan into the picture is clearly because the ‘N’ part of the PML-N is under some suspicion in these leaks. And as is well known at least in the Punjab, Satan is always trying to attack and destroy the PML-N and its leaders. Of course, we in the Punjab also know that Satan has a thing about army generals as well as certain members of the senior judiciary. The only people that Satan for reasons entirely peculiar does not want to destroy are those referred to as ‘religious divines’ in the ‘Munir Report’. And of course it is imperative to differentiate between ‘Satanic Leaks’ and ‘Satanic Verses’ lest any confusion between the two leads to problems with the aforementioned divines. The purpose of my words today is to reiterate what I have said before. The Sharif family headed by our third time prime minister (PM) are all as pure as the driven snow and completely devoid of any taint or even the slightest whiff of corrupt practices. This fact is well known and has been repeatedly proven in many different courts of law and during many investigations. And more importantly, the entire family has repeatedly demonstrated the remarkable ability to create great wealth out of thin air. The purity mentioned above along with the ability to create great wealth from nothing are clearly God-given attributes that absolutely and positively justify the continuing and the future continuous rule of this family over this ‘land of the pure’. Indeed among all other aspirants to purity, it is only the purity of the Sharif family that truly equals the purity of the land of the pure. Here I must admit that the purity is most evident among the blood relatives of the PM, and does become slightly diluted as we move towards the relatives by marriage and so on. As far as the Panama Papers are concerned, the amount of information leaked is so vast and involves so many different rulers of different countries that if all is indeed true then clearly having ‘offshore’ accounts is the norm and not the exception. Already the PM of Iceland has resigned, and David Cameron, PM of the United Kingdom has accepted that he has benefitted from accounts created by his father. Also the Russians and the Chinese are involved in a big way. If the Chinese are involved then clearly Pakistanis must also be involved for, after all, we in Pakistan do indeed try and follow what the Chinese are doing. And whatever the Chinese are doing must be good for, after all, China had such a brilliant economic expansion while their leaders were reportedly opening up these offshore accounts. And Pakistan must follow the same path to achieve similar economic growth. Most importantly, having offshore accounts is definitely legal, and I am sure appropriate fatwas can be obtained to prove that they are also not religiously illegal. Once the appropriate fatwas have been procured, the purity of the Sharifs will be further proven, and so obtaining such fatwas must indeed be a priority to prevent any satanic shadow that might sully the purity of the aforementioned driven snow. Here I am working on the assumption that certain offshore accounts were indeed held by certain people of impeccable purity. There seems to be some mention of a retired judge of a superior court presiding over some sort of enquiry about this matter. Considering the vast number of disclosures that need to be examined, in my humble opinion, a retired judge might not live long enough to go through all the available ‘evidence’. More importantly, by the time any significant amount of this evidence is actually examined, all the ‘alleged’ account holders might already have moved on to the land of ultimate purity. So as I suggested above, instead of pursuing some enquiry, it might be much more efficacious to pursue appropriate fatwas. Concerning fatwas, the PML-N is in a much better position. After all, most of the aforementioned divines are extremely upset about matters pertaining to laws that undermine their God-given right to brutalise women in general and wives in particular. So each part of the law that protects women can be exchanged for an equivalent fatwa about each offshore account, Especially touchy will be the one where money was borrowed to buy property in a certain city that the PM loves to visit and has probably visited more often than he has visited the National Assembly of Pakistan during his most recent tenure as the prime minister. If religious decrees do not neutralise the satanic impulses of those that wish to impugn the purity of the account holders then there are other religious bodies to do the needful. The only question that might be slightly difficult to answer will be the source of the money that is deposited in these offshore accounts. As I mentioned above, the Sharifs are well known to be blessed with an unusual ‘gift’ that allows them to make money out of nothing. So whatever money exists in those accounts was definitely not stolen from anywhere especially not from Pakistan but miraculously appeared in those accounts because of the blessings of the Almighty. Here I must admit that almost all Pakistani offshore account holders other than the PM and his family are guilty as hell and must face appropriate punishment. The author is a former editor of the Journal of Association of Pakistani descent Physicians of North America (APPNA)