Our minister of the perpetual frown (MOTPF) recently declared that there would be no ‘unannounced’ load shedding, which I presume he meant in Pakistan. Here I sit in Lahore a few days after that announcement during unannounced load shedding that has far exceeded an hour and is also in the middle of the hottest part of the day. My UPS is about to die and my computer with it. So, I must offer some important advice to MOTPF when my computer wakes up again. Every time the Prime Minister (PM) gets out on the wrong side of bed, he calls an all parties conference (APC) to explain his latest problem. We have had APCs in almost every part of the country, attended or not. From my perspective, I do not care a bit about the future corridor of great wealth or about the rigging of elections but I do have some serious interest in announcements concerning load shedding and its timings. So, dear MOTPF, you should call an APC at least once every week to announce load shedding timings. In this way you will get enough media attention about the new timings or even the continuation of the old timings and us ordinary folk will know what is going on. There are two important side effects of such APCs. First of course is that we, the ordinary people of Pakistan, might actually see such an important minister caught by cameras while smiling, presuming of course that the minister has something to smile about. And the second advantage will be that at least we will know when to run the pumps that fill our water tanks and allow us to have very lukewarm showers on extremely hot afternoons with water that is only marginally less warm than the temperature outside. When I refer to the above-mentioned minister, the question that comes to mind is whether he was just born that way or circumstances forced him into a state of the perpetual frown. During the last decade he has never been seen with a smile on his face. The time he was in the opposition in the National Assembly explains some of the reasons for his appearance. I suppose if you are in the opposition you are not allowed to smile, especially if your ‘leaders’ get exceedingly upset seeing a reliable minion like you smiling in public during their personal period of exile in some remote desert. Such smiles could obviously be misinterpreted as a sign of possible collusion with the enemy. A few moons ago, I wrote an article on the difference between conservatives and liberals. The most important difference in my opinion was that the liberals smiled at the drop of the proverbial hat while conservatives were always frowning or at least trying to look unhappy. It is possible that they were not trying to look unhappy but only trying to look serious. Whatever! However, they were definitely never trying to look happy. A simple example will illustrate my point. Former president Asif Zardari, who heads a supposedly liberal left political party, is always seen smiling. Few if any important members of the PML-N, including the PM, are ever seen smiling in public. And even when the PM is seen smiling, his smile looks more like a grimace. Why do conservatives look the way they do? Our present president’s polyester suits, of which the trousers cling to his legs, are a case in point. Obviously, if you have to go through life with your trousers clinging to your legs, you will have reason to look unhappy. Our president should follow the example of former President General Ziaul Haq. Haq always wore an achkan and shalwar or else his military uniform in public. Of course, our present president cannot wear a military uniform but wearing a shalwar and an achkan (or even a sherwani and a chooridar pajama) would be most appropriate. If the president’s wardrobe is not adequate then an appropriate part of the increased amount sanctioned for his expenses in the new budget can be used for his new wardrobe. However, I must admit that the PML-N’s speaker of the Punjab Assembly is a spiffy dresser and his moustache is almost as brilliant as that of one of the previous government’s minister for load shedding. When it comes to being presentable to the ladies, our Chief Minister (CM) of Punjab has an advantage over most politicians except possibly the ‘man of the perpetual smile’. The ‘great Khan’ though is a competitor. I was once told by somebody, who insisted that he knew the CM well, that the CM only wore clothes bought from a second rate UK store. Now why would any intelligent human being wear clothes from a second rate UK store when he can afford bespoke tailors from Savile Row? However, I have written about it before and I will repeat it again: the orange coloured shirts the CM wears in public during summer do not suit him at all. Unless these are made of Kevlar, he should definitely avoid them since that colour makes his complexion look sallow. And, yes, he should also practice his smile. My dear readers, you might have noticed that what started as a rant has degenerated into something almost civilised. The reason behind this is that the first part was written during an excessively long period of ‘unannounced’ load shedding. However, the second half was written when the lights came back on, the UPS/computer woke up and even the air-conditioner started to work. My point is that our MOTPF should learn to smile and start telling us some truth about load shedding. He after all is known for insisting that getting rid of load shedding was just a matter of faith. But, in those days, he was in the opposition perfecting his frown. And, yes, he is a spiffy dresser too. About the ladies, Allah knows best. The author is a former editor of the Journal of Association of Pakistani descent Physicians of North America (APPNA)