Daily Times

The perfect
example of when idiots — oops — I meant patriots, have nothing better to do is when they compete with one another to gain ‘one upmanship’. God knows why this junior nawab of ‘Grocersland’ has this desi James Bond and Chuck Norris fetish. He tried it in the past and now has done it again. When there is money to blow, especially if it is not yours, you go with full force. The gentleman made a movie on a book and the director who delivered a reasonably good film a couple of months back was responsible for this menace of a Phantom. No, I value my money dearly and I certainly did not waste it on such a horrible experiment.
All was fine and dandy till the great patriot and the spearhead of a local charity from my country of birth prayed his case in front of the mighty censor board. He made a passionate appeal about its anti-Pakistan content and thus the patriots sitting on that hot seat used the three letter word ‘ban’ to seal its fate. The junior nawab, who was playing Chuck Norris in the flick got ticked and miffed at losing the possibility of some real earnings from this side of the border. Of course, he lost faith in Pakistan, because its distributors could not give him much-needed Pakistani money.
To prove this gentleman dead wrong, patriots from the ‘Promised Land’ took to cyber space to demonstrate their revulsion against the spoilt brat. The dear Afzal, aka Mr Abbasi, who expressed his ultra-patriotic views on Facebook, gave Mr Saif Ali Khan, aka junior nawab, a primer on who we are and that he better not lose faith in us, and so and so forth. The bravado expressed in his own flick called Waar was seen in living colour with such a moving message. After giving Mr Khan a befitting response, Mr Abbasi perhaps went to complete the finishing touches of his upcoming flick, where he is seen gawking at foreign beauties, a signature trait reserved for true patriots of our Promised Land.
A young 22-year-old television-turned-aspiring Bollywood actress chimed in with anti-terror and pro-Phantom tweets, and all hell broke loose. The poor lady was taken to task and the patriots, finding all the objectionable words that even Oxford and Webster cannot contain, threw them her way. The poor lady was still in shock but, to add a new flavour to this controversy, jumped in the ultra-patriotic hero of none other than the Inter-Services Public Relations (ISPR) funded magnum opus Waar, the one and only Shaan Shahid. Mr Shahid went for the kill and demanded a ban on this naive 22-year-old actress. Of course, the three-letter word is the most befitting response to such anti-Pakistan rhetoric mongers.
Then came an anchor of the idiot box who was inspired by his rote class nine curriculum of Pakistan Studies and Disney’s Donald Duck. He meshed the two together and recorded a 12-minute inspiring speech full of honour and patriotism, and verbally slapped the clueless Khan from across the border. If that were not enough, he even stripped him of his manhood to give the ultimate blow. The timelines lit up and the rejoicing patriots sang their endless praises of such a daring and powerful message. The Prime Minister (PM) of Grocersland was declared a terrorist and piracy of their videos was promoted to give that country’s economy an unbearable jolt. The rest of the world screens our art and there are box office brawls when Pappu Amritsarya or Wehshi Gujjar (satirical names) from our land open up in Cannes, New York, Toronto or Los Angeles. So, how dare these idiots underestimate our creative brains here?
The 22-year-old budding actress decided to respond to Major Mustafa of Waar with some reason and rationale on her Facebook page but you know these evil grocers have mixed something in her diet if she has any. She was shot down again in cyber space because we are the ones pure and clear of rationale and reasoning. It is too much to ask of us as we only have pro-Pakistan cells in our brains.
I do not know what to say to this silly nawab from across the border, who started to squeak that he is being targeted unfairly as being anti-Pakistan. Well sir, I do not know what to tell you but, for the sake of argument, let us clarify a few things for you. Ajmal Kasab and his companions were actually from the same planet where Pakistan is from. They had nothing to do with Pakistan at all.
The great patriot Hafiz sahib is a mujahid of extreme resolve and valour. He has the pains of our Kashmiri brethren in his mighty heart. Nothing can deter him from his charitable endeavours and his righteous mission except this substandard trash from Bollywood that tends to hit a raw nerve with him. He does not believe in filing any defamation or slander claims because those greedy lawyers will leave him bone dry when all is said and done. We are the proud and the pure. Worry not for a minute as we will come back with vengeance with Waar 2 and some other flick to give those Khans of Bollywood a run for their money.

The writer is a Pakistani-US mortgage banker. He blogs at
http://dasghar.blogspot.com and can be reached at dasghar@aol.com.
He tweets at http://twitter.com/dasghar