Daily Times

During a conversation at a‘soiree’ I attended in Lahore a few months ago, I mentioned the fact that I write for this newspaper. Most of the people had actually heard of this newspaper but what interested them more was what I wrote about. They were surprised to find out that I was not a security analyst, an economic expert, or connected with any important foreign NGO involved in social welfare. They were even more incredulous when I told them that I did not count among my acquaintances any rich, powerful or well-connected person other than the host. On hearing this,the people who were talking to me suddenly developed that strained expression that comes from the realisation that they are wasting their time talking to an unimportant person. The conversation ended and I was thereafter left to my own devices. That allowed me to do what I enjoy most at social gatherings populated by the literati, the glitterati, talking heads and other members of the commentariat:watching people act important. Unfortunately, many people have now figured out that I am a person of little importance and have stopped inviting me to ‘events’, leaving me bereft of topics worth writing about. Here, I need to make one thing clear: I am not a reporter.
Perhaps it is time for me to move to a different city or to declare an area of expertise that will bring me recognition. Moving is out of the question. Once, when asked where I wanted to live if given a choice, I said either in New Jersey or in Lahore. The only thing I found lacking in Lahore was a good steak and some decent roast beef (not hunter beef) for sandwiches. Steaks have arrived and I even had a pretty decent fillet mignon a while ago. But roast beef was missing. Finally, last night, I was taken to a new sandwich site off the Main Boulevard in Gulberg, Lahore. Lo and behold, they had real roast beefthough what was served as a roast beef sandwich hadmuch sandwich and little beef. That might have been because I arrived there late and they had almost run out of roast beef. I will check into that and if roast beef is indeed available at a reasonable price then all I will need is for somebody to start making rye bread. That would be a definite plus for Lahore.
Having put the idea of moving to rest, I should confront the question of expertise. As might be noticed I have used faux Italian words ending in ‘ti’ except the one that matters and that is cognoscenti. What that means is the ones that know. And, dear reader, if you are still with me in this article/essay/column then, in my opinion, you are a true cognoscenti and it is for you that I write. Incidentally, I do have an actual specialty. During my early days of writing for this newspaper I once submitted an article that, if I remember correctly, was titled: ‘My heart aches, am I having a heart attack?’Perhaps the only male editor of this page ever declared that it was a medical article and belonged in some section of the newspaper other than the op-ed pages. Since then I have avoided writing about medical issues for this newspaper. And I assure you,dear readers, that I have no intention of inflicting upon you opinions derived from years of experience in my area of advanced medical specialisation.
So then, what area of expertise should I claim to become an analyst thereof? Frankly, my driver has a much better grasp of politics than I could ever claim. He is not being open about it but he was definitely involved in ‘certain’ important political activities in the recent local bodies elections. The only cryptic response to my questions about what he did on the recent Friday he took off was: “The PTI has learned from the PML-N.” Clearly, my driver knows more political operatives than I do. The only politician I know lost in the last elections. So, I can no longer claim any expertise in political matters or quote unnamed important politicians. Clearly,I have no important sources that can keep me informed about the latest political developments other than my driver. Economics? I cannot remember the difference between fiscal and monetary policy. That is in spite of having read economics at Government College for a year but then that was almost 50 years ago. Social issues? Frankly, I have not even been able to figure out how young people get into their ‘skinny’ jeans and, more importantly, get out of them, so how can I even expound on the reason why they have to wear these skinny jeans in the first place?
One area that I could possibly claim expertise in is of course security issues. Everybody it seems is a security analyst these days. But then, do I really want to keep count of the number of tanks and aircraft possessed by the Pakistani armed forces? I am sure they have enough of these based upon perceived need and available funds. And, yes, I left Pakistan 45 years ago to avoid being conscripted by the Pakistan army. So it would be entirely hypocritical of me to claim any securityexperience. Worse, I still have trouble arming the security alarm at home. That exposes any security credentials I might claim to possess. From the looks of it,I am incapable of being a social, political, security or economic analyst. That does not really leave much else to analyse or to comment upon.
All is not lost! That I have no area of ‘press worthy’ expertise of course uniquely qualifies me for becoming an ‘advice’ columnistsince the best I can do is claim,as the country western song says: “I am an ordinary man with an ordinary van, and my dog ain’t got no pedigree.”

The author is a former editor of the Journal of Association of Pakistani descent Physicians
of North America (APPNA)