Daily Times

If you love utterly outrageous jokes then you must read Pakistani Urdu papers. Railways minister Saad Rafique claims that Asif Zardari’s belly is so big that nothing can fill it up. It has become a curse for Sindh. Express, April 17

An advertiser in the classified section of Jung (April 9) solicits proposals for his daughter but forbids those from contacting him who have a big tummy!

Ummat (April 22) quotes Mumtaz Qadri’s heirs as saying that Panama verdict is a divine punishment to Nawaz Sharif because he had given full freedom to blasphemers in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

Sindh government’s spin doctor Maula Bux Chandio always gives his party’s opponents a tit-for-tat reply. Jung (April 23) quotes him as saying that people around Nawaz Sharif have dragged him to the level of Lyari’s crime boss Uzair Baloch. PPP Sindh’s president Nisar Khoro says that Nawaz Sharif is now a ‘certified’ thief!

Jung (April 21) quotes Punjab’s law minister Rana Sanaullah as saying that Imran Khan has no training in politics. He is willing to accept him as his disciple. The same publication (April 21) quotes Tahirul Qadri as saying that Panama case has been laid to rest. The nation should offer fateha and observe patience.

Jung, April 26, has run a statement of Danyal Aziz according to which former president Asif Zardari is a pickpocket. Jehangir Tareen hid his assets using his gardener and butler.

Asir Chohan says, Asif Zardari looks like a villain before camera. He would distort his mouth and imitate other politicians. He should deliver serious speeches and delegate the job of galam’galoch to his son Bilawal Zardai who also uses ‘Bhutto’ as surname.

Dr Asim Hussain’s first statement after getting bail and leaving country is about the interior minister. ‘Chaudhry Nisar is a gali ka badmash (street goon). I don’t fear him!’ Jung, April 30

KP’s chief minister Pervez Khattak says, he does not have Aladin’s lamp that could clean the 70-year old mess in a jiffy!

Facebook page Roshni plagiarised Nawabzada Nasrullah’s famous quote i.e. army would check the sapling of democracy after every two year to check whether it has gain roots. It was attributed to some nobody Hanif Dar.

Taiba Zia says, the new uniform of Punjab police is exactly the same that forest guards of Africa wear. This move can’t make police a better force. Veteran journalist Nusrat Javeed says, Pakistani TV channels create chaos in the country from 7pm to midnight every day. KP’s chief minister Pervez Khattak says, he does not have Aladin’s lamp that could clean the 70-year old mess in a jiffy! Nawa-i-Waqt, May 4.

Armies all over the world are more popular than politicians. Curse be on him who creates dissention between the civil and military leadership, writes Haroon Rashid (Dunya, May 11).

Since the civil and military leaderships have ironed out their differences, now they should join hands to foil the enemy’s moves – India! Ansar Abbasi, May 12

No son of any woman can sell the people of Fata. This is not supply of donkeys. Maulana Fazlur Rehman, Jung, May 17

Taiba Zia writes in Nawa-i-Waqt, May 18 that Quaid-e-Azam did not make Pakistan to give his sister a government office. Nawaz Sharif and Zardari should learn from the Quaid. The former wants to make his daughter prime minister and the latter wants his son Bilawal to be prime minster.

Ansar Abbasi supporting Shariat and condemning secularism in his Jung column, May 18, says that secular and liberal people will suffer humiliation not only in this world but in the hereafter too.

Hafiz Saeed tells Ummat (May 14) that he is under house arrest for just one crime i.e. he declared 2017 as the year for Kashmiris.

In learned societies, the front page of any newspaper is reserved for scoops or extremely important news stories. But Pakistani print media does not know it. Ausaf (May 19) front page story is about a medical checkup of Maryam Safdar (prime minister’s daughter) at PIMS Islamabad in which she was declared medically fit! The same issue quotes Supreme Court’s judge Sheikh Azmat Saeed as saying that losers should eat fish in Peshawar. The loser was the party that lost a land dispute case.

Jamatud Dawa number two Abdur Rehman Makki wants Kalbhushan hanged in Quetta, adding that he is the culprit of every Pakistani citizen and ICJ has no jurisdiction to hear his case. Nawa-i-Waqt, May 20

Dr Asif Kirmani, one of Nawaz Sharif’s advisors tells Ausaf (May 20) that Imran Khan’s speech in Quetta was like Maasi Museebtay’s address. In the same issue, JI chief Sirajul Haq says Kalbhushan will be released like Raymond Davis.

The writer is a freelance journalist and researcher based in Islamabad. He has been editing Pakistan Media Monitor, a weekly media summary, since 2003. Yamankalyan@gmail.com