Daily Times

Marvel comic fans should have immediately connected the above title with the moniker of their famous superhero “The Amazing Spiderman”. Although, after watching the latter’s adventures on the silver screen, the amazing Spidermoron seems, perhaps, a more suitable handle. Anyway, before going any further, it is deemed necessary to clarify that the term “Man” used in the title above is gender-neutral as in the case of “the common man”. Finally, for those readers who are blessed with the inability to comprehend sarcasm, as has been celebrated repeatedly by Dr. Sheldon — a fictional character from the television comedy The Big Bang Theory — yes, the title intentionally sounds small and smells of irony. By now, some readers would have also noted how a better part of this article has already been consumed while explaining a four-word title, which initially appeared simple but, now, has been transformed into a controversy-something, which still remains a mystery. Regular followers of this column will simply brush it aside as the general tendency of this columnist to digress often, while the sagacious will rather, flippantly, conclude that its pure gibberish; which it just might be, but then is there anything better to do on a Sunday morning? Unless, of course, golf!

And that is the Pakistani man; constantly being bombarded with crab, -which is disguised as the views of proclaimed ‘experts’, celebrity anchors and self-announced analysts- all of which does sound complicated; but is in essence pure gibberish. However, no matter how nonsensical it may seem, he still remains steadfast, in his resolve, to continue soaking up this gibberish, endlessly. And for the record, the word “crab” is a substitute for another word ending with a different letter with one less semi circle!

But the proof lies in the pudding.

Definitely, it was a fantastic achievement of the concerned authorities to rescue Shahbaz Taseer; and one cannot even begin to imagine what his family must have felt. That put aside, shortly after the ‘breaking news’, supposedly first aired by every news channel; social media was buzzed by a commentary, by a celebrity anchor, reporting how Shahbaz had been recovered a few days earlier, and the announcement was only delayed for, rather, conspiratorial reasons. Thereafter, there again was a rush to claim credit to first breaking this news, and by evening, this particular conspiracy was regular coffee-table chit chat. The problem with this second news, if you think about it, is that it can either be right or wrong. If it is right, then you do accept that there is someone with both the ability and the intent to control the dissemination of information; and naturally, as we know, this kind of power breeds, (no, not responsibility as in the case of ‘Spidermoron’) corruption; the ultimate conclusion can therefore, only, be that the news cannot be relied upon to be always right, which then leads to it being wrong. So, however you look at it, all news is wrong, which means that the debate over an independent and free media is a total waste of time; which the Pakistani man can do well without. For those of you infected to negatively criticise everything under the sun, by nature, including the meticulously crafted equation that all news is wrong and hence, a waste of time, even if it was right, what difference has it ever made to the quality of living of the Amazing Pakistani Man? Ignorance is definitely bliss when all news is bad!

Getting back to the coffee-table chit chat, a prediction that the majority, at least, those not conflicted by personal affiliations, agrees with, today, is that the ruling party will win the upcoming election hands-down in both Punjab as well as at the Federal level, and are expected to do so continuingly for the foreseeable future; baring a force majeure in the form of a General doing the unthinkable. While their supporters would like everyone to believe that this is because of the brilliant job their party is doing at the respective provincial and federal avenues, their opponents, on the other hand, will assert that the reason is that after decades of ruling, the entire state administration of the largest province has, now, been laced with their handpicked apprentices. Notwithstanding the reasons, the prediction can either be right or wrong. If it is right, there is no need for an election every fifth year; being an utter waste of resources and time, and it would be cost effective for the incumbents to be made rulers for life. If it is wrong, the obvious conclusion is that the democracy failed to bring in a competent enough government, who, either due to their brilliant work or the nefarious designs, could cling on to the reins of power. Whichever way you look at this argument; the Pakistani man is better off without democracy. And if you look back over the past few years, the Amazing Pakistani man’s improvement in quality of life, if there is any in the first place, can hardly be deemed to be directly put forward by the government; so why does it make a difference as to who rules and how he comes to power.

For the record, as stated on numerous occasions before, democracy is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a grand illusion, and shortly, after successful negotiations with the editor, there is intent to put on paper, the views of the Devil’s advocate on this false system. And in the spirit of winning the Editor over, the right and wrong argument revolving around the justice system is specifically excluded; seriously can’t have him jailed for contempt.

Every politician, at one time or other, has vociferously asserted, and/or accepted, the existence of corruption in the country. In fact, a greater portion of the discussion on media, nowadays, is about the difference of opinion between those fighting corruption and the ruling party. However, since we have earlier proved that all information is wrong, the authenticity of even this news cannot be relied upon. Nonetheless, if the assertion that corruption is rampant in Pakistan was right, then logically, over so many decades, at least one “Big Fish” could have been convicted, with the electronic media exposing a plethora of alleged corruption instances, from time to time, in shrilling, screaming, thrilling, breaking news. Unfortunately, at this point, the argument becomes complicated because the failure to convict may not, necessarily, mean that there is no corruption, and the problem might lie with the particular system we have consciously excluded from the debate. The conclusion, therefore, is a compromise: even if corruption exists, nothing can be done about it, and hence, it would make sense for the Pakistani man to forget about corruption.

Based on recent figures, each and every single Pakistani Man currently owes more than Rs. 100,000, to somebody either inside or outside Pakistan. Irrespective of the fact that the Pakistani man is clueless of how and for what reason he is indebted in the first place, and why does this debt continue to grow, by leaps and bound, every month, the popular notion is, “when have we ever needed to pay it back?” The problem with this conclusion is that even if it were wrong, we cannot, based on current budget numbers, ever pay back this kind of debt, so there is no other choice for the Amazing Pakistani Man, but to face the repercussions of being wrong; and rest assured, they are nasty.

As of now, through logic or gibberish for some, it has been established that we don’t need a free press or democracy, and can do nothing about corruption or rising debt. And when you keep on with this line of argument, you eventually ask the question, how much can the Amazing Pakistani man take, and will keep on taking?

The writer is a chartered accountant based in Islamabad, and can be reached at syed.bakhtiyarkazmi@gmail.com