Daily Times

Take-it-or-leave-itDear Mathira and Rose

I need your guidance. I got married to my phupho’s son, the phupho who never really got along with my mother. My phupho has a really small house where we moved in. The house is double storied. On the first floor, my brother-in-law lives with his wife and me, my husband and phupho live on the ground floor. The floor on which my brother-in-law lives has been renovated and furnished by my husband, where they got full privacy. No one bothers them for money or contributing in expenses. But my husband bears all the bills. I’m stuck on the ground floor with my phupho with zero privacy. Ever since I’ve gotten married, my in-laws literally treat me like a maid. For instance, I’ve to clean the washroom, cook and do the dishes. Thankfully, I’m a working woman so my job gives me some sanity. I hired a maid for dusting and cleaning but I’m paying her from my own pocket. If guests come over, I’ve to entertain them. Even when I got pregnant, nobody bothered to help me with the house chores. I used to spend like a week at my mother’s after which I was called back. I hardly got any rest even after child birth, whereas my brother-in-law’s wife enjoyed all these perks after she gave birth. All she does is come downstairs for lunch and dinner and then go back up without even offering help. My husband remains silent in all this. Last year, my mother-in-law got some surgery done due to which she couldn’t even move from the bed for months. I used to take her to the bathroom, bathe her and put clothes on her. I used to be doing all that in winter where my hands used to go numb from all the washing and cleaning. Anyway, I recently got a gallbladder removal surgery and I’m at my mother’s for a few weeks. My mother not only takes care of me but of my kids too. Not once did my phupho call to ask if I was alright and if I needed anything. When I mentioned all this to my husband he said she enquired about my health from him. Why couldn’t she call me? The thing is now I don’t feel like going back. I’ve been married for eight years and live in this tiny room, where I’ve to face interference from every level. My brother-in-law’s kids would come to my room to play and would start beating my kids up and yelling at them. My mental health is suffering but my husband doesn’t understand any of this. He goes to work during the day and comes back at night. What do I do? If I go back, I’m forced to live like that.

Regards,

Unpaid Maid

Mathira’s Advice:

It’s neither yours nor your mother-in-law’s fault. It’s your husband to be blamed for all this. A man should know what his wife needs when he marries her. He should also know what his mother needs. He should balance things out like how his brother is doing. He has drawn a boundary between his mother and wife. He must’ve told his mother that this is the boundary and you mustn’t cross it. If a man can’t draw these boundaries then he should be extra loving, comforting and supportive towards his wife. Even if you’re living in a tiny room with no privacy, he should take the kids, drop them off to your mother’s and take you out on a date. He should make your feel appreciated. The husbands who want to take out time, do take out time. You should tell him to start appreciating you more. You’re a mother and do house chores like a maid and on top of that, you’re a working woman too, so I have got to say, hats off to you, you’re a superwoman. Stay strong. My advice is so what if you have kids? Spark up your life. If you spend three to four hours of quality time with your husband, laughing and joking and come home to take care of this jungle you live in, you’ll do it happily. But if you’re not having a good time otherwise, all these emotions are going to pile up in your brain. Tell your husband to take you out more often and appreciate you more. He needs to do things extra. If you’re giving 200% in the house, he needs to give his marriage a 200%. He needs to give you love, comfort, happiness and appreciation because you’re carrying his whole house. If he can’t take a stand for you, he can at least bring you flowers, gifts or take you for a drive. He can take you to a nice place where you guys can talk. He should take you out where it’s just you and him so that you can be happy.

If you want sisterly advice on any issue, DM me @real_mathira

Rose’s Advice:

First of all, I’m really sorry about the situation that you’re in. This is a common problem that girls go through when their parents decide to marry them off to their cousins. If your phupho doesn’t get along with your mom, she’s definitely going to take it out on you and that’s what she’s been doing. I’m very surprised that you’ve been putting up with it for the past eight years. Is this how you want your children to also live? Yearning for small things and desiring for what they can’t have? I’m so sorry to say this but your husband who’s a mama’s boy will always be a mama’s boy. His brother, on the other hand, isn’t a mama’s boy that’s why his wife lives problem free. When a man gets married, he should know that as much as respecting and loving his parents is important, his priority now should be his wife and children. Some men are emotionally attached to their mothers, so much that he expects his wife to now play the role of his mother. According to him, you’re not doing much. He thinks that since his mother did all this before, his wife should too. His brain is never going to register that you’re doing lots for the house. He’s never going to acknowledge that so you also don’t wait for him to acknowledge. I’d suggest that you involve your parents in this since they were the ones who gave your hand in marriage to him. They should tell them that for the past eight years, you’ve been going through hell. You should put your foot down and refuse these chores. You need to move out and tell your husband to get a small abode for you, him and the kids. Cleaning up after your kids is not an issue, but over here, you’re looking after your mother-in-law and playing the role of a nurse. You’re even feeding your brother-in-law’s wife. Sweetie, you should’ve taken charge in a year’s time rather than waiting eight years. You’re practically serving a sentence for life in prison. It’s just like I said, put your foot down and tell your mama’s boy husband to get you and the children an abode separately.

If you want sisterly advice on any issue, DM me @rosemohammed777