Daily Times

Far too often, as children we see parents held hostage in a marriage full of acrimony, anger and anguish. The home is awash with a sense of despondency. However, despite their unhappiness, most parents are bound together, not only to avoid the social and cultural stigma of divorce, but also for the wellbeing of the children.

I am a child of divorce, and it is the best gift my mother and father could have ever given me.

From my own personal experience, I have seen many children being far happier in a single household with a happy parent, rather than being in a household with two unhappy parents. There is no denying that being a single parent raising a child — whether it’s a toddler or a teenager — is an incredible feat. And is much more difficult than what it appears to be. However, introducing your children to a newfound healthy environment teaches them a very valuable lesson that they are going to take into the rest of their lives: “it is better to be apart and happy than together and unhappy.”

The most important lesson children receive from the unhappy marriage of their parents is how not to take relationships for granted. Most importantly, it teaches children that you can’t equate marriages to fairytales. Marriage is work, marriage is hard, and marriage doesn’t always work out.

There’s always going to be a little child inside them who dreams of family vacations and photographs and two parents cheering them on during their baseball games. But it also teaches them that they are much more than the family that they were born into.

If both parents are mature enough to not ‘use’ the child(ren) as an ally against the other parent, then it is possible to have a healthy and functional relationship with both parents. In fact, this is an opportunity to redefine the relationship with the parents. You don’t see them as a unit — whether it’s an enemy unit, good cop bad cop or a combined unit of support. You see them as individuals, with their own strengths, weaknesses, moral value system, flaws and principles. See your father for who he is, and see your mother for who she is. If they’re in a toxic relationship, it’s extremely likely this is going to have a detrimental effect on how they come across to you, as the relationship may bring out the worst in them.

I know far too many people my age and younger who have to deal with unhappy parents. I can see the impact it has on their view of their love, even their fear of going home, because they know that they have to go home to a toxic environment. There is no honesty, and no peace. Everyone knows why the father comes home so late. Everyone knows that mommy and daddy fights. Everyone knows, but nobody says anything. There is much that goes unspoken. I would honestly say that this affects a child’s perception of love and relationships more than a divorce ever would.

I am in no way trying to belittle the pain of divorce, for all parties involved. It can be a heart wrenching experience. But I promise you it will all be okay. There are little joys to be found in divorced parents. Two Eids, two birthdays, two homes, a place of perpetual refuge and love if you don’t want to be in the other one.

Parents should put their children first, always. But where do they draw the line? Is it worth sacrificing your own happiness because doing the contrary would put your children through some undesirable moments of unhappiness? Our parents only get one life, and they shouldn’t be made to suffer for years during it. They are also somebody’s children, and they deserve to have happy and fulfilling lives too, just like we do.

If you truly love your parents, you’d want their happiness just as much as they want yours.

The writer is a student living in Cambridge, UK. She can be reached at annushehrhmqureshi@gmail.com, and on Twitter at AnnushehQureshi