Daily Times

MAKKAH: Saudi Arabia’s Grand Mufti Abdul-Aziz ibn Abdullah Al ash-Sheikh, in a bizarre turn of events, declared himself a non-Muslim by accident.

“It was a usual night-time routine like always as I put my fatwas away for the day, I was already thinking of the new ones as I changed (clothes),” the source said. The grant mufti was already done with Pokemons, Mickey Mouse, Earth being flat, marrying Pakistani women and had even declared the whole of Iran as non-Muslims.

“Like every night, I was thinking of what else to declare un-Islamic for the next day. Apostatising is the most popular part of my talks. People have even started making bets on what I would declare ‘Haram’ next – using dates of course,” the source quoted him as saying.

– The popular question: ‘So, what’s next?’ –

According to the mufti, one thing led to the other and he went on one of his excommunication binges to apostatize something for “complete satisfaction and peace of mind before sleeping” – as furniture, curtains, air and everything he could see and feel was already declared ‘kafir’.

“My head was starting to hurt and that’s when, without realising, I saw my image in the mirror and I thought it was someone else as he didn’t look ‘right’ to me so I declared him a non-Muslim as well,” the grant mufti said.

“I thought he was copying my every move,” he said, “I was about to call my mutawas, when I realised that it was me.”

– ‘The world’s reaction’ –

According to Middle Eastern analysts, last night’s events had confused everyone in the kingdom as an analyst from a Jeddah-based think-tank – wishing anonymity – said, “No one has any idea whether to listen to him anymore since he is no longer a Muslim or since it is just his image which he has declared Haram.”

No mirrors or reflective materials should be present when the grand mufti is around, the analyst said, adding that henceforth, it should also be ensured that he is only listened to. According to reports, a ‘new’ committee has been set up to decide on how to tackle the issue because the last one was declared ‘Non-Muslim’ as well.

This satire originally appeared in Khabaristan Times and has been reproduced with permission