Daily Times

We always delve in the merits of ‘staying the course’, ‘making the stand’, ‘never give in’ and ‘fight till the last man’. Life, in reality, is a set of possibilities. No one is asking us to give up without trying or run away at the first sight of resistance, but the only request is not to perish in the process. From quitting smoking to learning how to play bridge, we can only try. Letting go does not mean we do not care about someone. We may fail but learn each time, and appreciate that the only creature really has control over is our self. Success is usually built on the dead body of failure.

Life is full of tricky decisions and nothing makes them easy. The worst ones are those personal resolutions which one cannot even share with anyone. However, as we grow older, it becomes easier to reflect upon and share them. For example, the main reason I came to England instead of studying in the U.S. was that I could not live without playing and watching cricket in summer and football in winter. My football “career” perished with the plummeting fortunes of my favourite team, Tottenham Hotspurs, several years ago (Thankfully, Tottenham has since been revived). Four years ago, I found our wicketkeeper standing over the stumpsand asking me to bowl faster. Since I was bowling as fast as I could, I took the hint and never bowled again. Last year,when I was clean bowled twice in two successive matches, I stopped playing cricket. I am still alive.

It is easy to tell others to work hard and never quit. However, after days full of disappointment and nights filled with disillusionment, it is hard to keep hanging in there. You learn from your mistakes but chronic adversity also affects you. Fortunately, success is closely associated with action, and successful people are always on the move. When things are not going right, you need to be brave to quit and change course. Mr. Jinnah, for example, tried very hard to promote the politics of Hindu-Muslim Unity from 1918-1930 but got increasingly marginalised. He quit politics for law practice in London and did not return until he and the country had changed for a new kind of politics. The problem with people of mediocre ability is that they work hard enough notto be fired and earn just about enough that it does not allow them to quit.

One of the most difficult lessons learnt in life is that if, despite best efforts, something is not working out, it is time to take stock and look for other opportunities. Like it or not, the reality is that at the end of the day, someone or something always gives up

Most of us try very hard but success has its own timetables and dynamics. Make sure when you quit, it is not due to fear, discomfort, anger, self-pity, or unrealistic expectations. Some people wrongly equate quitting with giving up. If done properly, quitting can actually make room for bigger and better things in life. It could be about choosing to focus your attention somewhere else, and becoming more confident, productive, and effective in the process. It is about letting go of something, which is sucking life out of you and embracing your values and talent. We have shining examples of Jeff Bezos (computer science), Martha Stewart (modelling), Ronald Regan (acting)and others who quit their day-jobs to achieve remarkable success elsewhere.

We are brought up on fairy tales where the hero always wins against all odds. We, therefore, construct our vision and dreams based on these narratives, imagining ourselves to be the heroes in our life-story. Success also has its own grandeur though. It creates an all-embracing excitement where setbacks seem attractive partly because we believe we would win in the end. Therefore, it is never tempting to accept defeat, surrender to insecurities, and to admit that because of failing to achieve a target, the best part of our life has been exhausted. However, one of the most difficult lessons learned in life is that if despite best efforts, something is not working out, it is time to take stock and look for other opportunities. Like it or not, the reality is that at the end of the day, someone or something always gives up. It is either you who gave up the road or the obstacle gave itself a way.

Finally, you wait for all these years for a certain kind of emotional warmth and sanctuary from someone you turn to regardless of what you have done or who you have become; someone who is always there for you. But if they start taking your feelings for granted, have their own baggage of priorities, and make you feel alone, you need to head for the valley of change. You have a right to lose interest when you get ignored. If people make no effort to be in your life, what is the point of dragging yourself into theirs? When you start turning into a person you are not; are constantly torn between improving or destroying yourself; spend hours looking through lyrics to find words you cannot say; are not sure whether you are bent or broken; important to them but not their first choice; and start going a day without thinking about them – it is time to move on.

The writer is a consultant psychiatrist based in London