Daily Times

On this women’s day, the best part was the raising awareness amongst my fraternity on our rights. At least there is a talk on the need of equality,honour, claim for public space and domestic unpaid work. I remember when I got married the trolley parade for a girl as a bride to be selected,was the ritual and still practiced today. The equation of being a woman is very different.The roles, the choices, decisions; everything works very differently. The burden of being a good girl at times is suffocating. It is taught by the system and very fairly absorbed by the men and women, that a good girl is the one who is a conformist to all pre-defined rules, norms and stereotypes.

The list is too long, so the best way is to start from the beginning. The birth of a female child,is one of the least celebrated announcements, with the exception of heartening and enlightened individuals who love and cherish their daughter’s birth. Being a mother of a female child, upon the birth of a second or third daughter, words of condolence are literally passed offby the people. For the sake of maintaining grace, many claim to love their granddaughters /daughters yetthose unlimited prayers for a son or comments on not having a male child area constant reminder. Even in educationand career, the freedom of choice is hardly there. Again, many dreams die out just because the choicesare decided by a father, a brother and then a husband. So, the capability of being a decision maker was hardly ever nurtured.

Throughout their lives, these women work in conformism, considering the stereotypes to be values, whereas, it’s just to keep the patriarchal system alive

If bydefault a woman makes it to a higher level of education, thebest tool is to manipulate the duty obligations of motherhood against her careerchoices, whereas a woman being a mother knows her maternal obligations far better than anyone else.It will be like telling a fish how to swim. The career can wait but kids will not wait to grow up,but it is the mother who needs to decide how, when and what she needs to do, rather than imposing a customised plan of hibernation upon her, lullabying her mind to snooze off. Where is the freedom of choice? A part-time career or a slow gradual path or co-parenting balancing, whatever way it has to be a consciously well thought out decision throughdiscussions.

Since aboy’s family is the ultimate decision maker of marriage/match seeking preferences, from day one we raise and groom girls with thedesirable prospectus in demand charteredby potential grooms and their match seeking families. The major foundation of a female child’s upbringing is also based on concerns such as: “don’t behave like this otherwise no one will ask for your rishta or will approve you”. Ultimately the girl internalises the need of approval into herself, without even ever reaching the stage of self-actualisation.

With this state of mind, she is married off at a marriageable age, which according to my mother and women of her era was described as 20 years at the maximum.Being single over 21 was just an indication of being unwanted. Luckily today the age bar has been raised, yet the fear of being over age still echoes and haunts parents. So, once that conformist soul is married, now entersa new hub of conformism.

Now she enters into a new domain, where the mother in law, holds her son as the sole asset of her life. Her entire life, the society told herthat status of being a son’s mother is her ultimate strength. Against the power tussles, tyranny and oppressions faced by her, she just considered her son to be the only light at the end of tunnel. The liberator the hero, so how can that hero be shared with an unknown alien in the house.

Throughout their lives, these women work in conformism, considering the stereotypes to be values, whereas,it’s just to keep the patriarchal system alive.

To be continued

The writer is a sociologist and child rights activist who teaches at the University of Punjab

Published in Daily Times, March 10^th 2019.