Daily Times

Since Harvey Weinstein’s despicable exposés of sexual harassment and #MeToo campaign, men have literally gone into hiding. This is understandable because they need to pay for their failings and the silence, which promoted such behaviours. Some older female celebrities took a different stance from the self-revealing approach of #MeToo but they were beaten into submission. This is not a healthy sign, as lack of informed debate on pertinent issues can lead to intellectual tyranny with adverse consequences for the society.

Men and women live in a closer space in the West as compared to the developing countries. This avalanche of sexual harassment accusations against men has unsettled some vital dynamics in the society. Men are rightly confused how they should act around women because there is no consensus on behaviours that cross the red line in different countries. For example, in a recent YouGov poll in five Western countries, there were huge variations about which behaviours by men towards women constitute sexual harassment. In some places, an innocent question about going out for a drink, was construed as a demand for sex.

There is also a generation gap in the West between the younger and older generations of women about how they perceive or react to sexual harassment. No survey has been conducted, but one can imagine that reactions would be more complicated in the developing countries like Pakistan. Our society was more conservative 30-40 years ago, so one would assume that such behaviours were rare and older women, if asked, would find even minor indiscretions unacceptable. However, younger women, at least on social media, are identifying with the approach taken by #MeToo in the West even when the ‘glass ceiling’ is in place locally and the society may not be as advanced.

There is no doubt that “men who behave badly” often have false assumptions, go along with innuendo, and make wrong judgments, which appear credible to them. They also cause discomfort by leering and acting in such an unashamed manner which makes it obvious that they feel superior and treat women as sexual objects. They also ignore the feelings and lack of consent of the victims of their harassments because they think it is acceptable to treat them this way. As a consequence, women lose confidence for feeling unguarded and unprotected, publically and privately. Such men also give most of the caring, inclusive, level-headed, and thoughtful men a bad name.

Where have all the good men gone? The truth is they haven’t gone anywhere. Society chose to ignore them because of its morbid fascination with celebrity

Pursuit and seduction have been the time-honoured vital signs of interactions between men and women and how they have found life partners. East or West, the onus is on men to initiate the mating game while seduction is often about encouraging them to do something they already want to do. It really gets confusing for them when “the resistance of a woman to a man’s advances is not always a sign of virtue; it is sometimes just a sign of experience”. They can no longer hide behind the clichés either where beauty baits harassment, but the law looks through men’s eyes when deciding what provokes it.

Men flirt as this may be their device for avoiding responsibility. What about women when they dangle intimacy and suddenly withdraw? They evoke interest and fondness, and then threaten to abandon. It is neither punishable by law nor public opinion but the ache it inflicts, along with the pain of misdirected effort, can really be intolerable. In such scenarios, their flirting strategy is indistinguishable from harassment, and it is not someone else’s calling. The evidence suggests that this could be a honey-trap for two kinds of men: those who lack confidence, feel insecure, and need affection, and for those who think they calculate and manage risks better than others.

Some in the West feel now that men have been ‘punished summarily, forced out of their jobs when all they did was to touch someone’s knee or try to steal a kiss’. This can even be more treacherous in places like Pakistan where some female celebrities have taken to #MeToo to highlight sexual harassment. There is no way of knowing whether these alleged acts of harassment were quick flings or long-term emotional manipulations, where the targets often believed that they had fallen in love. Before facts are known, the media runs away with such stories and emotions take over. No one seems to notice that women invariably walk away from such cases, rightly or wrongly, with their heads high but men are left to recover whatever is left of their reputations, relationships and livelihoods.

Where have all the good men gone? The truth is they haven’t gone anywhere. The society chose to ignore them, due to our morbid fascination with celebrity and riches. But the celebrities are like nuclear waste; they serve no useful purpose for the society. It is time we shift the spotlight to those men in our society who quietly go about their daily business. The word ‘celebrity’ needs to be reassigned to ordinary men — the male teachers, doctors, journalists, builders, etc. who do admirable jobs. Modern masculinity also needs rebuilding on the foundations of kindness, generosity and selflessness.

The writer is a Consultant Psychiatrist and Visiting Professor. He tweets @AamerSarfarz

Published in Daily Times, April 30^th 2018.