Daily Times

It’s that time of the year where every street has a house glowing with fairy lights indicating an upcoming wedding. It’s a festive time full of marriages and parties, and lunches and brunches. Unfortunately you can’t have a rose without the thorn. In the case of our wondrous winters, the thorn comes in the shape of cousins visiting from abroad. In honour of that, here is a list of the 10 most annoying things they say whilst in Pakistan.

• When they say “its pronounced ‘winter’ and not ‘winters’.”

Really? You’re telling me the 200 Million Pakistanis, who at the beginning of every season change their Facebook status to “Yayyyy Wintersss are here,” are all wrong? Don’t be ridiculous!

• They’re so suspicious about everything being fake.

If a vendor on a donkey cart is selling a Prada bag for two thousand rupees, it’s probably not real. I’m with you there, but why do you have to say things like “Your iPhone seems kind of light, are you sure it’s real.” Trust me if Pakistan could make fake iPhones your parents wouldn’t have moved to America.

• They really underestimate us.

I recently had a cousin visiting from New York who picked up a magazine and presumptuously said, “Only in Pakistan would someone name a fashion magazine ‘Paapur’ Magazine.” Yes, that ‘Paapur’ as in the big yellow biscuit sold at traffic lights. I told her its pronounced ‘Paper’ like the material on which your Kirnaid College degree is printed. #KnowYourRoots

• When they mispronounce words like Abbotabad as ‘A-boat-abad.’

Firstly, Abbottabad is named after James Abbott­­­ – an Englishman. Secondly, you can say things like ‘Mozlem’ or ‘Pack-is-tan’ but it won’t change the fact that you were born in Pindi.

• When they ask how we can live without Alcohol.

Why don’t you go and have two full glasses of Lassi from Jeda Milk Shop in Gumti Bazaar and try to drive back home. If you make it, email me. If not, it was an honourable end.

• When they complain about things like the lack of Gas.

I had a cousin who once wrote this message to his wife in Toronto. I have the exact text because he used my phone. It goes as follows: “There’s no gas. I wanted to shower but the water was so cold. Our cook had to heat the water on the stove and the maids brought it up. It’s like living in the stone ages”. To which she replied, “Oh My God, you have a cook and maids! I’m so jealous [crying-face-emoji] !! ” … Count your blessings.

• They’re endless nagging about traffic.

That one is valid. Our traffic really is terrible and we as a nation should not drive.

• The things they say when they visit a village.

Why is it that every foreign-born cousin thinks that villages are the Wild West. I was once asked “will anyone notice if I shoot some here.” Yes, all eleven of his brothers and the police will notice ­– not to mention God!

• At some point they always say, “I could never live here”

Oh no! Whatever will we do without you!

• Last but not least, the noises they make when they eat food.

I’m sure home cooked meals are uncommon abroad but can you please lower the volume. I can tell you’re really loving the food but I have very religious neighbours who will get traumatised if they hear you… I had a foody cousin visiting from Boston who was banned from eating Buryani in front of us. The only way to keep her PG-13 on the dinner table was to feed her yesterday’s Daal.

• Honourable Mention: The Vegetarian.

This is a relatively new phenomenon. A hippie cousin that I am currently hosting adamantly refuses to eat meat on humanitarian grounds. My equally stubborn cook refuses to indulge her arguing that, “If you don’t eat meat you go mad.”  Staying true to his beliefs he always sneaks in thin threads of meat in her soup or salad, which causes quite a ruckus when he’s caught. So in the spirit of desperation I told him that she is allergic to meat and that if she eats any more, she will die and you will be charged with her murder.

All jokes aside, Pakistanis are a loving people famous for their hospitality. There are very few things that I look forward to more than my cousins’ annual visit. Perhaps one of them can make a similar list about local hosts and we can swap notes, ensuring an even more pleasurable experience. Happy Holidays!

Dedicated with love to Erej, Huma and Sara.