Daily Times

In a society where honour is often tied to the chastity and obedience of women, there exists an unspoken yet oppressive code that continues to trap countless daughters in marriages, no matter how abusive or damaging they may be.

“An alive divorced daughter is better than a dead one” – a statement often whispered among circles of mothers and fathers – is a harsh reminder of the choices left to many women. Forced into roles dictated by family, culture, and tradition, they endure in silence or face the unthinkable, considering suicide as a way out. For some, the stigma of divorce is seen as an unbearable burden, so much so that they would rather their daughters remain shackled in torment than allow the shame of separation to fall upon the family.

This mentality is deeply rooted in customs that contradict not only the essence of individual rights but also the principles of compassion and justice emphasized in Islamic teachings. Even though Islam grants both men and women the right to dissolve an irreparable marriage, cultural traditions have cast divorce as a mark of disgrace on a woman’s character. Many find it hard to reconcile that a religion, which advocates for human dignity and respect, can be so starkly at odds with a society that enforces rigid roles and expectations on women.

Growing up, many young girls are taught that patience and sacrifice are the defining virtues of a “good wife.” They are instructed to embody patience, often without limits, to preserve their marriages at any cost. From childhood, they are conditioned to believe that their family’s honour lies in their ability to remain silent at home, no matter how toxic their environment may become. This cultural expectation is pervasive, especially in South Asia, where girls hear stories of women who endured endless suffering in silence, all for the sake of family reputation. It’s a story glorified in songs, literature, and everyday conversation, rendering the message clear: perseverance is the only path for women.

Even though Islam grants both men and women the right to dissolve an irreparable marriage, cultural traditions have cast divorce as a mark of disgrace on a woman’s character.

The expectation that a woman must withstand abuse to avoid the shame of divorce leads many women to suppress their pain. Their well-being is often secondary to the family’s reputation. This view has severe consequences: women who face abuse often find themselves emotionally and psychologically crushed, with little support from their families, who fear the repercussions of a divorced daughter on the family’s social standing.

In recent years, there have been several prominent cases in the media, both locally and globally, that reveal how ingrained this stigma is in various societies. In Pakistan, one case that captivated the nation was that of Sana Cheema, an Italian-Pakistani woman who was allegedly killed by her family because she wanted a divorce and refused to stay in a forced marriage. Her case became a haunting reminder of how strong the pressure can be for women to conform, even at the cost of their lives. Similarly, in India, a woman named Shraddha Walker was reportedly killed by her partner after he refused to let her leave an abusive relationship. These cases illustrate the tragic reality of women who tried to assert their autonomy but were met with extreme consequences.

Globally, media outlets have highlighted similar cases, where women have been publicly shamed, harassed, or even harmed for choosing to walk away from their marriages. The case of Tina Turner, the legendary singer, who faced abuse at the hands of her husband, but eventually found the strength to leave, served as a beacon of hope for many women worldwide. Yet, not everyone can escape. In conservative communities across the world, divorce remains stigmatized, and women who seek it are labelled as “failures” or “selfish.” Even in Western societies, which are generally more open about divorce, women like Princess Diana and pop star Britney Spears faced intense scrutiny for ending their marriages, with the media often portraying them as broken or unstable for stepping out of societal norms.

Islam provides a stark contrast to these societal expectations. The teachings of Islam stress the sanctity of marriage as a bond built on mutual respect, compassion, and dignity. Yet, it also emphasizes that when a relationship becomes harmful, both partners have the right to seek divorce. Despite these principles, the modern interpretation of Islamic teachings is often twisted to fit cultural biases, especially in Pakistan and other South Asian countries. The rights Islam grants women in marriage and divorce are frequently overlooked or outright denied, reinforcing harmful stereotypes that bind women to unhappy lives. It is this cultural distortion that often fuels the tragic choice some women feel compelled to make – between staying in a toxic relationship or ending their lives. The stigma attached to being a divorced woman in our society is a burden that many families, despite Islamic teachings, refuse to bear.

As societal norms impose more pressure on women to stay in difficult marriages, the mental health toll on them becomes increasingly severe. Numerous studies indicate that women trapped in abusive relationships often suffer from depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders. The psychological damage is compounded by the lack of social and familial support, leading many women to feel hopeless and isolated. When the doors to freedom are closed by the very people meant to protect and support them, they see little alternative but to resort to self-harm or, tragically, suicide.

In Pakistan, mental health is still a largely taboo subject, further aggravating the plight of these women. Those who seek help are often met with dismissive remarks, and their struggles are minimized by family members who consider mental health issues as weaknesses or character flaws. This lack of understanding and support only drives women deeper into despair. Without adequate mental health services or social support, many women feel they are left with no choice but to suffer in silence, often contemplating drastic measures to escape their anguish.

The conversation around divorce needs to change. Families must recognize that supporting a divorced daughter is not a disgrace but a reflection of love and compassion. In a society that prides itself on its respect for family, one must ask: is it not the family’s responsibility to protect and support its members, especially in times of need? By empowering daughters to make choices for their well-being, families can help break the cycle of trauma and despair that has plagued countless women.

Prominent Islamic scholars have reiterated that stigmatizing divorced women is both un-Islamic and inhumane. Islam does not equate a woman’s worth with her marital status. The respect and dignity of a woman are emphasized throughout Islamic teachings, whether she is single, married, or divorced. Families must abandon cultural practices that contradict these principles and start embracing the values of compassion, understanding, and support.

One powerful way to support women is by encouraging open discussions about marriage, mental health, and the real struggles women face in our society. Education plays a key role here. Schools, religious institutions, and community centres should take an active role in educating people about women’s rights in Islam, promoting mental health awareness, and dismantling the harmful customs that reinforce negative stereotypes about divorced women.

As a society, we need to redefine what it means to protect family honour. True honour lies in the well-being and dignity of every individual within a family, not in upholding a facade that costs a woman her life or happiness. By refusing to stigmatize divorced daughters, we protect not only their lives but also their fundamental human rights.

Imagine a future where families support their daughters in the same way they would support their sons. In such a world, women would feel empowered to make decisions for their happiness without fear of judgment. They would not feel compelled to sacrifice their lives at the altar of societal expectations. They would, instead, feel valued, respected, and cherished, regardless of their marital status.

In this future, “an alive divorced daughter is better than a dead one” would not merely be a whispered slogan, but a rallying cry for a more compassionate, understanding, and just society. It is time for us to move beyond the constraints of outdated customs and embrace a reality where every woman has the right to live freely, safely, and with dignity.

Change will not come easily, and it will require a collective effort from every segment of society. Families, religious leaders, educators, and policymakers all have roles to play in reshaping the narrative around divorce. This change begins with recognizing that every woman deserves the freedom to choose her path without fear of condemnation or stigma. She deserves a family that supports her, a community that respects her, and a society that values her as an individual.

The slogan, “An alive divorced daughter is better than a dead one,” should serve as a haunting reminder of the tragic consequences of our society’s rigid customs. But it should also ignite a commitment to ensure that no daughter, sister, or mother feels that death is her only escape. By fostering a culture of empathy, support, and openness, we can prevent the silent suffering of women and create a world where they no longer have to choose between life and honour. This is not just about saving lives; it is about restoring the humanity and dignity that every person inherently deserves.

The writer is a journalist, TV presenter & column writer. She can be reached via her insta account @farihaspeaks