Daily Times

Have you ever come across catchy lines like “Learn fluent English in just 30 days?” Do you happen to know people who suffer from this psychological complex called English? Have you seen them fall prey to this tempting catch line?

A few weeks ago, I got my first job at a renowned institution, which offers short courses for children during summers. I was hired on a 30-day contract as a trainer of Spoken English and Creative Writing. From the outset it all seemed normal, but what I confronted inside was appalling.

I was supposed to make my students learn fluent English in just 30 days. And here’s the funny part: one of my classes comprised four to eight year-olds! I was given a class of kindergartners, many of whom were not even aware of alphabets. I couldn’t help but wonder what made the parents believe that their four-year-old will magically start speaking English after a month-long course? Did they think their child possessed some supernatural ability?

I couldn’t help but wonder what made parents believe that their four-year-old will magically start speaking English after a month-long course. Did they think their child possessed some supernatural ability?

But I wasn’t supposed to tell this to the over-ambitious parents who came to meet me before getting their child registered. My job was different, and I loved my job. All I had to do was plaster a big smile on my face, charm them with a fake accent and make the “aww” sound at their weeping children.

Now, allow me to apprise you of the bigger problem here. I was strictly advised by the management to speak only English before the kids who had barely learned their mother tongue. Sounds just about right!

In the first week, I could not figure out what to do with the crying kids. I asked them to introduce themselves, only to find out that only two or three understood the meaning of the word “introduce”. Most of the kids would say nothing, no matter what I said or did. The poor souls would stand there giving me this blank expression or simply fidget around until I myself started to feel embarrassed.

Of course I understand that children need time to open up and feel comfortable around a teacher but, for some reason, the parents did not seem to get it. Some impatient mothers would ask me about their child’s progress after every single class! At first I tolerated the torture with patience but when this all started to get on my nerves, I had no choice but to serve them with brusque replies like, “Your child has learned what any normal child can learn in an hour.” That, I must say, seemed to soothe them for a while.

When I discussed this situation with one of my seniors, she responded, “Miss, why don’t you give your students some worksheets on a regular basis? That would satisfy the parents.” And when I asked her about those students who couldn’t read, she simply concluded, “Well, that’s not your issue. At least you’ll have the proof to show the parents.”

I realised that she was not entirely wrong. And so I obliged. I started making worksheets about common nouns and proper nouns with full knowledge of the fact that my students won’t be able to comprehend any of this. And the next step was simple. I started drilling those sentences into their tiny brains; the way you do with parrots.

This is a sneak peek of what happens in these short courses.

For a start, parents need to realise that the mere fact of these catchlines being carried by educational institutions doesn’t make them credible. Stop making your children chase unrealistic goals. No average person can master a whole language in one or two months. Do not get intoxicated by the fluency of angrezi. Do not take the bait.

The writer is a student at Government College University, Lahore. She can be reached at alinashafique37@gmail.com

Published in Daily Times, August 19^th 2017.