Daily Times

After getting their boarding card at the airport, most Pakistani men are not too concerned about the safety of their flight, the timing of their journey or the risk of losing personal items. Instead, their minds are busy speculating something much more alluring: the not so improbable companionship of a pretty young girl during the flight.

Although I am not 100 percent sure about the wishes of the young and beautiful, I am still confident that her priorities, while she is travelling, will be more objective and relevant to the journey at hand. She, for all good reasons, will be worried about her security and wellbeing much more than companionship, the timing of the flight more than the time in the flight and loss of precious items more than any sort of friendship with a man next to her. Furthermore, safety for her would not only mean protection from physical injury and financial losses, it would also mean hiding from peering gazes, shielding herself from penetrating looks and avoidance of the ogling eyes of all the men around her, especially the one sitting next to her. But who cares about that in Pakistan? It is our world, the world of fertile and virile Pakistani men!

As we walk towards the plane now, we pray at every step to the Most Beneficient regarding our flight concerns. Rest assured, we do not want any complication that may involve violence and tribal warfare; as such, our request is very elaborate and yet extremely practical. It is not limited to her being young and beautiful, lean and tall, fashionable and confident, forthcoming and intelligent; we also wish that she be all alone, otherwise what is the fun? And that she be ready to chat with a handsome intellectual who is dedicated to prove his perspicacity and wisdom to her during the next few hours. Honestly speaking, we know that our wish will probably not be granted because of the short supply of such women in Pakistan (unfortunately), but we still hope that, with our sincerity, dedication and intensity of our prayers, we may turn the tables in our favour and eventually convince the Almighty for a miracle.

Waiting for a miracle, we take our seat on the airplane and start scrutinising every person who enters the plane. Our heart skips a beat when a female enters it, a big smile runs across our face — I also think our cheeks turn red (or pink) — and till the time she takes her place, we unconsciously pray in Arabic: “Help me God to be successful.” If her seat is somewhere far away, with a sunken heart and tears in our eyes we take our eyes off her to focus on the entrance door once again.

On a lucky day, if all our supplications to offer extra prayers, to help the needy and to feed the poor are heard, we will find a Pakistani woman sitting next to us. She may not be our dream girl but we are not ungrateful. For indeed, something is better than nothing and is obviously better than suffering in the company of a grumpy old man, or being suffocated by the boring lecture of a diehard tableeghi (Islamic preacher) fan. We also believe that a bird in hand is better than three or four in the bush, that arrogance is not a virtue and that one has to live within the resources that one has, not the resources that one wishes to have. In short, we stay committed to fulfil all the promises that we have made to the Creator if the part two out of our three layered prayers also get actualised.

Once she sits next to us, our immediate challenge is to start communication. We realise that time is running out and, literally, from that moment on, every moment matters. We have to cast an effective net of undeniable personal charm, a sophisticated sense of humour, woven with a yarn about unlimited financial resources and powerful connections. The best weapon for attack in our opinion under these circumstances, which can seize the ‘prey’, is our ability to kindle the fire of sympathy in her heart. If done correctly and confidently, we men know that it is a strategy that can guarantee our success. All we need is to first find a villain in our life, be it our battering father, a cruel stepmother or a selfish wife who has selfishly ignored us. No, I am not recommending lying or conjuring up new memories. Nonetheless, a little bit of exaggeration can certainly help the cause and, with that little push, we can cover a long distance in a brief period of time. If we serve this main entrée of fabricated steak with the dessert of cherry picking and we are able to ignite the ‘motherly instinct’ in her, I can envisage our victory and down the road we may even hit the jackpot!

Here I believe a word of explanation is mandatory about using the word ‘prey’ for women: we proud Pakistani men believe that all women are our potential prey. If we treat them nicely it is only because we want them to feel good and secure about themselves just like the animals we tend to before Eid. Those who are not our prey, we believe belong to someone else but for all essential purposes the status of woman does not change with the change in the master!

Having said that, we all know and agree that command of the English language is the hallmark of our intellect. Being the best language for all ‘un-Islamic’ purposes including flirtation, we can make an impressive story that evokes an empathetic response. If we hit the nail on its head by combining them, I am sure we can have a safe and nice trip, a memorable and enjoyable journey and the addition of another chapter in our victorious path of personal endeavours.

The writer is a US-based freelance columnist. He tweets at @KaamranHashmi and can be reached at skamranhashmi@gmail.com