Daily Times

On average, I add one new person every day to my list of Pakistanis who are working as Indian agents. It usually includes public figures but, sometimes, government officials like bureaucrats, judges of the apex courts and retired military generals also become a part of my record. Being an ordinary Pakistani, I am confident that I share this habit with millions of other countrymen who maintain their own register of potential suspects. Added together, the total number of agents, I reckon, will be close to 100 million. To avoid confusion and to be reasonable, I have not deliberately included anyone in it who is less than 10-years-old.
On holidays, I admit, when I am free, the list grows faster and I add up to five, six or even 10 new names in just a few hours. Most of the time, I do so with the help of ‘like-minded’ friends and the information is not handed over to me by an ‘unnamed’ government official like ‘deep throat’ whose identity cannot be revealed. However, it is a part of our national pastime too, something that every Pakistani is trained to do since childhood. We have been taught to spot an ‘enemy agent’ within minutes from preschool, whether they are present on television, radio, or meeting us in person.
The basic rule is that we have to be suspicious about everyone, particularly those who do not share our religious ideology: the minorities. They can never be trusted. I suspect that my Christian housemaid, who loves to watch Indian movies, is also a US agent. Although I respect her religion and let her eat in clean, plastic utensils designated only for her, I still think Pakistan is a Muslim country and Christians are only good to clean our mess and should never be treated as equals.
It is my first and foremost responsibility to protect my country in every field, be it cricket, hockey, soccer or on a battlefield, without having any regard for friendship or family association. So, one time, when my younger brother was admiring Sachin Tendulkar more than Imran Khan in cricket, I said to him, “I think you are behaving like an Indian agent.” Realising his mistake, he backed off and did not mention any other cricketer except Zaheer Abbas and Waseem Akram for a while. On that day, it was clear to him who I hold dear the most: it was neither him nor cricket; it was only Pakistan. It is a different story altogether that we do not talk to each other anymore!
In order to further help the readers, I have devised some basic rules to detect a likely enemy agent. Experience tells me that every agent carries one, two or all of the following traits: first, he would want us to be friends with India even without acquiring Kashmir. Second, he holds a grudge against our security establishment and will always defend US policies in the region over ours. Third, he will never say anything in favour of the Palestinians or against Israel. Fourth, he will directly or indirectly support the US drone attacks and last, he will propagate unIslamic values about freedom of speech and the rights of women. Trust me, each of these characteristics not only tells you about the mindset of that person but, by putting all of them together, you can estimate both his faith and patriotism, which in Pakistan are interchangeable entities.
Based on this simple criterion, after their evaluation is complete, it is your job to disseminate the news and protect the nation from their evil intentions. Although both electronic and print media have disclosed the true faces of some of them, the real service of informing the general public and helping them update their list is credited to the social media. It is through Facebook and Twitter that millions of Pakistanis know about the real colours of many certified Indian agents. For instance, we have found out how well some of the so-called ‘human rights activitists’ get along with the leaders of right-wing Hindu extremist parties while on the other hand they always criticise Islamic organisations here in Pakistan. It is also through social media that we have recognised their involvement in immoral activities like shaking hands with the opposite gender and listening to or dancing to Indian music, an act of treason much worse than Article 6 of the constitution. Obviously, if they were true Pakistanis they would have preferred local music over the enemy’s tunes.
There is no doubt in my mind that these agents have a malicious agenda — as it is confirmed by their opponent’s tweets — to destabilize Pakistan, create chaos and ultimately divide it into small insignificant pieces. In another situation, their plan would be to convert Pakistan into a banana republic: a state that does not pose a threat to India anymore and conforms with the US’s policies to establish its ‘new world order’ in South Asia. This attitude can also be recognised without much effort. You will find that their focus of appreciation while discussing geopolitics will always bend towards your enemy rather their own country. Criticising our foreign policy is their hobby and rebuking religious ties with our Arab brothers entertains them. Whenever possible, they will say something offensive about religion as the guiding principle to run the state, pass condescending remarks on the Two Nation Theory and condemn the prosecution of religious minorities. Yet they always seem to admire the unIslamic concept of secularism and appreciate the non-religious virtues of the west like democracy and the scientific method.
The question is, after properly identifying the enemy in our ranks and educating each other about their agenda, how should we proceed? Should our Islamic state make/change laws to incarcerate them or let them corrupt our society in the name of freedom of speech?

The writer is a US-based freelance columnist. He tweets at @KaamranHashmi and can be reached at skamranhashmi@gmail.com