Daily Times

I thought I would begin this article with a quirky yet piercing quotation, but then decided against it. Why? Because I’m different that is why! So yes, I, much like everybody else, ‘know’ for a fact that I am unique and I constantly endeavour to shove this uniqueness in everybody’s face every chance I get. I am unique because of my specific sensibilities, because of the things I notice, because of my life experiences and how I decided to let them and everything else affect me. I am a snowflake, a tiger’s stripes if you will. Then along came YouTube followed closely by 9Gag and lo and behold! I did not feel so unique anymore. I got to see the experiences of people the world over! Entertaining! Yes, but they also taught me that the experiences and thoughts that I cherished as unique to only myself for all these years were shared by millions of people. Someone else also noticed that Sean Bean invariably dies in almost every movie or TV show he is in; someone else also imagined themselves running alongside their cars while going on long drives with their parents when they were young. I related to all those BuzzFeed articles and quizzes too and so on and so forth. So I was not unique anymore, and that was fine, it was okay. It meant that there were so many other people like me all over the world and that these people were, despite their differing faiths, beliefs, nationalities or ethnicities, just like me! We had more in common than I ever thought or knew! I did not feel unique anymore, but I also figured out that I was not weird; but something far more sinister was at play. They blocked YouTube in Pakistan! About time I said. Very clever western-shrewd-conniving people! You almost had me. I dodged your attempt to chemically neuter me with your Pokémon cards, but you almost had me with this one. You made me think I was like you! You made me think that we were all the same, believer or non — bah! Here: have a slow bloody clap why don’t you…

So this was me worrying about YouTube. I had my reasons, but then I became wiser, perhaps it was the long break that I had from watching YouTube, perhaps it was not, who knows. So I stopped worrying about it now and now am a firm proponent of unblocking YouTube. Allow me to elucidate upon my reasoning. I am sure you will approve. Reason number one: we need to keep an eye on those western-conniving people. We really do. I heard somewhere that the CIA once trained a cat to infiltrate Soviet secret bases but sadly the poor thing was hit by a taxi and died. Apparently they had spent millions of dollars on it. So where do you think their prime recruitment ground is for finding these ‘covert kitties’? YouTube! That is where the cats are at! So yes, we need to keep an eye on so that we can spot them when they try and break into our military facilities, etc. I mean seriously, kitties doing cartwheels? What is the deal with that? Three letters: CIA. So this is more espionage than entertainment. Reason number two: we need to see these questionable videos and send laanat (curses) on them. Yes! The more believers that see them and curse them, the more sawaab (holy rewards) we will get and the more chances of these perpetrators going to jahanam (hell) will increase! Oh also! We need to comment! Comment like there is no tomorrow. That is where we really show them who is superior — damn straight! So yes, we need to unblock YouTube, so we can win the comment wars.

Reason number three: this entire YouTube fiasco was a Zionist conspiracy! So they got some random nobody from Hollywood to enrage Muslims all over the world with his ridiculous film which led to the blocking of YouTube. Now, that has not stopped us from accessing YouTube; we simply use proxies now. Guess who owns all the proxy servers! Yes: the Jewish lobby! So now they get all our traffic and can see what we do on the internet. Wake up people! Reason number four: Twerking. Enough said. This needs to be monitored for research purposes (including for a friend). So yes, this is a problem that you need to keep an eye on. We cannot let them win, otherwise, well they win and in case you were wondering, here is the quote I wanted to begin with: “Knowledge will forever govern ignorance; and a people who mean to be their own governors must arm themselves with the power which knowledge gives” — James Madison. But do not listen to Jimmy here, yes you figured it out, he was the fourth President of the United States of America and that is right, a Jewish agent.

The writer is a freelance columnist