Daily Times

Ring, ring.
Operator: “Hello. Who may I know is calling?”
IMF: “The IMF.”
Operator: “F who?”
IMF: “Excuse me?”
Operator: “F who? You said I am F.”
IMF: That is Fatuous. This is International Monetary Fund calling and would like to speak to the minister.”
Operator: “Ok Mr Fatuous. Let me…”
IMF: No, no. This is the International Monetary Fund.”
Operator: “Why did you not say so in the first place?”
IMF: (Inimitable sounds, possible imprecations).
Operator: (After a minute or so) “I am directed to inform you that the minister is unavailable due to prior commitments.”
IMF: “But you sit outside his office. Why did you not say so in the first place?”
Operator: “That is a gratuitous accusation. I was late and just came in.”
IMF: “Okay, okay. This is about the next review. Can you connect me with the…”
Operator: “I am directed to inform you that the secretaries are accompanying the minister. However, I am, as advised, putting you through to the competent authority” (few buzzes and hums).
SO: “This is the section officer. How may I help you Mr Fatuous?”
IMF: “This is noisome…”
SO: “Noisome? The PA said you were Mr Fatuous.”
IMF: (After some indiscernible noises) “This churlish attempt at effrontery is getting vexatious. I am calling from the Pakistan desk of the International Monetary Fund.”
SO: Okay, that explains why I could not understand a word you said (accompanied by a hearty laugh). So, how can I help you Mr…”
IMF: “Well, we were calling to agree upon the time and venue for the next review.”
SO: “Another review? But we just had a review a few days ago. This is rather troublesome; half the money we borrow is spent in taking care of your conditions and the rest goes to pay off other borrowers. Do you not have anything better to do than review Pakistan all the time?”
IMF: “The reviews are part of the agreement and are a time tested mechanism to monitor and ensure that governments follow the didactic Washington Con… (a long pause) excuse me, the structural reforms programme.”
SO: “And I am instructed to inform you that the ministry is in the process of reviewing the benefits of all the policy reforms advised by you, from even the last time, and request that the reviews be delayed till such time.”
IMF: “This is preposterous. The structural reforms are absolutely necessary and a number of developing countries have experimented with, excuse me again, implemented them. Any such review at your end will not result in even nugatory contributions.”
SO: “Well, the competent authority has never agreed with decrepit suggestions of reducing development expenditure, encouraging imports, privatising utilities and pursuing FDI (foreign direct investment) in non-productive sectors but at that point had no other option.”
IMF: “The PA said you were the competent authority? Nonetheless, it is because of Pakistan implementing the IMF’s disquisition on policy reforms that it has emerged from the financial mess it was in. Have you seen the new ratings?”
SO: “Everyone is competent in Pakistan and, well, the Russians did more than anybody else to be honest.”
IMF: “Russians??? How? What?”
SO: “Well, they brought the oil prices down and we saved billions on the import bill.”
IMF: “The Russians had nothing to do with it; oil prices are determined by the market and while we agree that falling oil prices have been great for Pakistan, this is the time to build on gains and..”
SO: “True and we are already building a lot.”
IMF: “We were not referring to building roads but to consolidate during this window of opportunity and strengthen institutions.”
SO: “Well, we are also planning to refurbish parliament and the Senate buildings.”
IMF: (After a long pause) “Look, you will need to have much more to spend on infrastructure.”
SO: “Finally, we agree but thanks to the patriotic Pakistanis working abroad, the remittances continue to increase and between that and falling oil prices we should have sufficient dollars to meet our export bills.”
IMF: “That is a capricious strategy. Oil prices can go up and, with the situation in the Middle East, Pakistanis might have to come back with a consequent fall in remittances. And you still have to generate funds to pay previous debt obligations.”
SO: “We are aware oil prices will go up after the deal with Russia.”
IMF: “Will you stop with this Russia nonsense? I told you oil prices…”
SO: “Okay, you do not have to get truculent. We are considering a superior strategy to balance the budget compared with endless negotiations with multilateral agencies like yourselves and begging everyone…”
IMF: “Look, stop wasting time. Without the IMF’s help the country would not have had enough dollars to import a single barrel of oil and it is because of the IMF that you were able to borrow in the international markets.”
SO: “That is a rodomontade comment. However, the competent authority believes that borrowing more is not the solution. We need to get out of the debt trap.”
IMF: “And how does the competent authority plan to do that?”
SO: “Well that is quite simple; renegotiate terms with those who call upon Pakistan to clean up their messes. We are not at all happy with world governments for being stingy and not fully reimbursing money spent by Pakistan on the war on terror. But things will have to change. If Pakistanis will be called upon to fight other people’s wars, then families back home should not live under the threat of hunger and not get the best education or health facilities, or power for that matter, or pay a penny for debt, or pay for oil. Are you there?”
IMF: (Silence).
SO: “Hello? My apologies, I have to take another call from a Mr World, apologies, World Bank. I will convey your message to the competent authority and, for the record, verbal communications, unless confirmed in writing, cannot be relied upon or referred to in any manner.”
Click!

The writer is a chartered accountant based in Islamabad. He can be reached at syed.bakhtiyarkazmi@gmail.com and on twitter @leaccountant