Daily Times

Disclaimer: The following article is a work of satire

A few days ago, the Indian police arrested a pigeon, which it alleges is a Pakistani spy. Since then many investigative stories have appeared in the Indian media according to which the pigeon is a hardened terrorist with links with the Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI), Lashkar-e-Tayyaba (LeT) and underworld don Daud Ibrahim, and has been involved in multiple attacks inside India, including the attack on the Indian parliament. According to one report, one week before it was arrested, it was spotted outside Jamatud Dawa, erstwhile LeT, headquartered in Lahore.

Indian investigators suspect that the arrested pigeon is only one of many operating inside India. They fear that the network of pigeons is planning another Mumbai-like attack. Meanwhile, the celebrated Indian historian, Professor Y Sudershan Rao has claimed that pigeons were created by an Indian genetic scientist 5,000 years ago. He said that it is unfortunate that an Indian creation has been turned and used against its own creators by the enemy. Following this claim, Dharam Jagaran Samiti, a group associated with the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), has announced launching a campaign for the re-conversion of pigeons to Hinduism. Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) leader Yogi Adityanath has praised this initiative and has announced that he himself will lead this ‘homecoming’ of pigeons.

However, the sentiment against the pigeon currently in police custody has risen after a statement by the public prosecutor, Ujjwal Nikam, that it has demanded mutton biryani and is being served the same. The Indian public has reacted sharply to this news and has demanded that it be hanged immediately. The BJP’s president, Amit Sha, has vowed a befitting reply to Pakistan. Indian Defence Minister Manohar Parrikar has also hinted at paying Pakistan back in the same coin. “We have to neutralise pigeons through pigeons only. Why can we not do it? We should do it. Why does my soldier have to do it?” said Mr Parrikar talking to the media. Indian foreign minister has also made it clear that there will be no more talks with Pakistan until it takes action against the network of pigeons operating against India from inside Pakistan.

The Indian air chief has also warned that if such avian intrusion does not come to an immediate end, India will be forced to explore ‘other options’. Experts believe that he was referring to the possibility of carrying out surgical strikes on sanctuaries of pigeons inside Pakistan. Famous Bollywood producer and director J P Dutta has also announced to make Border 3, in which Sunny Deol will be seen singlehandedly rescuing his girlfriend from an army of Pakistani pigeons by shooting and knocking them down with a slingshot and his lethal hand punch.

Much is being said in Pakistan too. Although the foreign office spokesperson has denied the pigeon is a Pakistani national, the Difa-e-Pakistan Council has demanded of the government to take steps for the release of the pigeon as he is the ‘son of the nation’. Rallies are being held across the country in which thousands of protestors, holding life size photographs of the pigeon, are participating. However, renowned journalists associated with the largest media house of Pakistan seem to be of the opinion that the ISI is actually involved in this hideous act. “Look, it is an open secret that the ISI carries out operations and funds terrorism in India. No, no, RAW does do the same to Pakistan. It is about time we stop indoctrinating pigeons and using them as proxies,” said one of them on his show.

Other progressive journalists and rights activists have also condemned the role of the ISI and right-wingers. “Why are these people protesting? Why must we interfere in the internal matters of our neighbours and hold rallies for terrorists? We must focus on the real issues such as the patriarchal mindset prevailing in the Pakistani pigeon community. Steps need to be taken for empowering female pigeons,” wrote one of them on her blog. But the journalists associated with another leading channel have accused the aforementioned media house and other liberal journalists of working for RAW and CIA against the interests of Pakistan.

World famous Pakistani defence and security analyst Syed Zaid Hamid has endorsed the policy of using pigeons against India in response to the Cold Start Doctrine of the Indian army. He is of the view that due to its resemblance with Iqbal’s Shaheen, the pigeon has symbolic importance in neutralising the effects of the cultural war being waged by India against Pakistan. He believes that pigeons will play a central role in Ghazva-e-Hind.

To men of reason on both sides, all of this is making perfect sense.

The writer is a freelance contributor. He tweets @atifhussain40