I never saw you, but I have always loved you. Perhaps the finest and the most beautiful things in life cannot be seen or heard; they are only felt with the heart. I grew up hearing about your beauty and elegance from my grandfather. Then Krishan Chander took over and introduced me to your deep green meadows, pure springs and lakes, the splendid rivers and creeks, magnificent waterfalls, and the soaring snow-covered summits. I had imagined that if I ever go there, I would not return.
I suppose imagination and fiction are rather unusual realms where you do not need to make distinctions between make-believe and reality. You expect the unexpected because you believe in their magic and the endless possibilities. Boundaries do not exist, and characters play their roles in line with your longings. There are hardly any conflicts; and even if there are, they do not last long or hurt anyone. As you grow older, the innocence withers away and the reality of life sneaks in.
I realised that you lived with someone else. It was exasperating because, for all the wanting in my heart, you were someone I could not be with. Had you chosen to love him, I would have walked away, enduring the pain and swallowing my pride. Because home is not somewhere you live; it is where you love and get loved back. Therefore, whenever I saw you in a picture or on Television, my heart skipped a beat as your radiance illuminated my life. I focussed on your little details, wishing to capture the whole thing vividly. You have since become such an elegant work of fine art, that even the finest painting, melody or poem cannot seize the quintessence of your grace.
I am so ecstatic that my love is not one-sided. You have loved me back despite knowing all my faults and brokenness. You have given me so much happiness, creativity, and fulfilment. You gave my part of the world, some of the greatest poets (Momin, Iqbal), writers (Manto, Rushdie), philosophers (Hakeem, Dani), musicians (Khursheed Anwar, Pukhraj),saints (Mian Muhammad Bakhsh, Gopinath)scientists (Motwani, A. Kak) and politicians (Birbal, Nehru)that humankind has ever known. Among culinary delights, you have kept my gastral desires intrigued with the ridges on leavened bread, richness of Harissa, aroma of Shab Daig, and the flavour of curd-flavoured meatballs of Gushtaba.
Nonetheless, you have become your suitor’s moral, ethical and political misadventure. No matter how hard even the most partisan individual tries, the words fail him when he tries to justify the injustice you have been subjected to. Amid the screams that follow rapes, tortures and pallet gun wounds, men have lost the will to live, women have forgotten how to smile, and children have abandoned their laughter. The deprivation of human rights, manipulation of elections, and detention of political leaders were already there when the state proclaimed secular ideals. Now you are under a curfew and a blackout where streets are empty, shops locked, military bunkers multiply, and the convoys of masters and their lackeys roam around in armoured cars.
I feel your pain in my heart in that space between fear and love. I am sorry that I left you behind in 1947 because I was running for my own life. I was afraid then, and had pulled back from life
I feel your pain in my heart in that space between fear and love. I am sorry that I left you behind in 1947 because I was running for my own life. I was afraid then, and had pulled back from life. I had not realised how deeply I was in love; a life full of bliss and excitement with you. My hand has since been in yours for all that laid ahead, but never setting limits on when and who you could adore. I have never lost a fight over you though. I know I am not getting younger, but my arms are still strong. You must have cherished how quickly I knocked them out in a dog-fight in February, 2019.
Love is always a choice though. You may love either of us by using your heart, soul and mind. Until then neither of us has the right to claim you as our own. Since nothing can ever be won by force forever, no one should compel you to only choose between the two of us. Krishan Chander had written, “..is not a bread to be divided; it is a land of living, feeling, eating, drinking, loving and patriotic people. They have a right to determine their own destiny. If a small country like Switzerland can remain independent within Europe, why can’t she remain so among India, Pakistan, China and Russia?”.
Your dispute arose out of panic and distrust, and it would require courage, faith and big-heartedness to resolve. Winter has set in. They have planned to freeze you out; and make the blackout extinguish your flame for independence. But you will continue to live in the veil of darkness, taking in the shallowest of breaths, never ever giving up your dream. I am also lying low; waiting, but doing what I can with what I have. I will only go to sleep after I have made your reality better than your dreams.
The writer is a Consultant Psychiatrist & Visiting Professor. He tweets @AamerSarfraz