Daily Times

So ‘tabdeeli’ is imminent. We will have a new prime minister soon, maybe before this piece is published. And this will be a PM who will be a caretaker too.

Question 1: Aren’t all PMs supposed to take care of the nation? Maybe not. Anyways, the Ummah will soon hear the good news. A caretaker prime minister is about to be announced. He (or she) will be selected by the current (caretaker) PM and carefree leader of the opposition.

Question 2: Aren’t all PMs selected? Who will get the coveted crown? The selectors are playing their game of cardboard thrones, showing some cards, keeping others to their chests. Will it be the retired general or the retired judge, or maybe the retired ambassador? It could be even the retired (fired really) cricket board chief. Why not? After all, cricket has been reduced to a game of cricket where a sulky insolent batsman is refusing to leave the crease although he has been clean bowled by the fast bowler and given out by the field umpire as well as the ‘Third Umpire’.

Question 3: So what to expect after our new caring prime minister has arrived? Obviously he will take the oath of office in a grand ceremony where our selectively elected president will administer the oath. And then, the new PM will inspect the guard of honour. He will lodge himself in the magnificent PM House which has been violated so often by the 111 Brigade. After unpacking, the caretaker-PM will be happy to address the hapless nation on the state-owned PTV.

The ToRs spell out that the caretaker Prime Minister will not take any far-reaching decisions and will not make any important appointments or transfers. He will not touch the economic, foreign affairs or defence matters

What will the caretaker do between the inaugural and farewell ceremonies? Not much,as he is not supposed to do anything consequential. The ToRs spell out that he will not take any far-reaching decisions and will not make any important appointments or transfers. He will not touch the economic, foreign affairs or defence matters. In fact, he is not supposed to do anything meaningful or even meaningless. He can grant some contracts to some businessmen friends or recruit some nephews (or nieces), but only if he is ready to face the wrath of the NAB afterwards. So a truly powerless civilian leader of the government. Question 4: Aren’t all PMs powerless? They are if you listen to the outgoing PMs in recent history. Yes, the caretaker-PM can do one thing without raising too many eyebrows. He can take or let others take selfies. Maybe his son or daughter can charge for the selfies with the PM. Or he can even charge for allowing a place on the PM’s stage at the dinners or receptions.

As enough names are under consideration for the caretaker prime minister’s position, I am happy to jump ahead and suggest names for the caretaker cabinet. Here is my list: for the crucial position of the minister of finance (renamed as the minister for money laundering), I nominate Ayyan Ali. Who better than her can take care of our money.

And who is in a better position than the glamorous model to identify the billions stashed in the Arab or Swiss banks, take all of your money and then run away with it. For the nomination as the minister for ill-health (and Fake Diseases), there could be a tie between Sharjeel Memon and/or Ishaq Dar. The ever-smiling Rahman Malik can be the state minister for hair transplant and Wigs Affairs. And who will be a better choice than Khawaja Saad Rafiq for the Ministry of Land Grabbing and Prize Bond Encashment? The Ministry for Anti-Corruption should have the anti-affix dropped and assigned to the legendary Malik Riaz. The defence ministry would be safe in the hands of a sane and steady person such as Amir Liaqat. The enemy will run away by his venomous verbal tirades. As for the portfolio of religious affairs minister, only one person can do justice… Allama Khadim Rizvi, with his admirable contribution to the cause of tolerance and peace, not to speak of his decent language. Women Affairs can be given to Hamza Ali Abbasi. So far, he has done a tremendous job of guiding astray women to the right path.

And I can throw names of all my friends for various positions knowing that they have no chances. But they will live on to tell their grandchildren that they were among the nominated few. It can be a ‘Me Too’ story of a different kind.

Meanwhile, our ‘kyun nikala’ No-awaz Sharif and ‘Mat Nikalo’ Shabash Sharif can be cast in TV serial as Siameset wins (one head spitting fire and the other throwing water). Zardari sahib can work on sharpening and whitening his teeth and gain weight to become truly ‘sab pe bhari’. Imran Khan can learn the magical art of taking two wickets with one ball. I recommend he reads Harry Potter to do wonder in 100 days. I can’t suggest it to the N or P leaders, who may feel offended on being asked to read a book.

The writer is a director/actor; and a core member of Ajoka Theatre Pakistan. He has been involved in spreading awareness on socio-political issues through theatre

Published in Daily Times, May 25^th 2018.