Satire: Pakistani observer team leaves for US to ensure ‘free, fair and transparent’ Presidential Elections

‘The team has been carefully selected to balance the civil-military representation and is due to leave by the end of August’

Satire: Pakistani observer team leaves for US to ensure ‘free, fair and transparent’ Presidential Elections


WASHINGTON: As the 2016 US Elections near their November poll date, a team of Pakistani Election Observers prepares to leave for the United States. “The team has been carefully selected to balance the civil-military representation and is due to leave by the end of August,” read a statement from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

According to official handout, a copy of which is available with Khabaristan Times, “The team will visit polling stations both during and ahead of elections across the length and breadth of United States from the West coast to the east and ensure that “free, fair and transparent” elections take place.”

It is the first time in US history that a woman has qualified as a presidential nominee and the GOP led by Donald J. Trump seems hostile to her. The speculations of elections rigging have already started rolling in with Republicans claiming that only a systematic rigging in polls could keep Trump out.

Speaking to Sean Hannity of the Fox News, Trump himself cautioned, “I’m telling you, Nov. 8, we’d better be careful, because that election is going to be rigged. I hope the Republicans are watching closely or it’s going to be taken away from us.”

Roger Stone, a former advisor and a longtime associate of Trump encouraged his supporters to “challenge any unfavorable results”, if they become all too inevitable.

“I think he’s gotta put them on notice that their inauguration will be a rhetorical, and when I mean civil disobedience, not violence, but it will be a bloodbath,” Stone said. “The government will be shut down if they attempt to steal this and swear Hillary in. No, we will not stand for it. We will not stand for it.”

To avoid this looming nightmare, United States in collaboration with United Nations Organisation has requested Muslim countries especially Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Libya and Bangladesh to send their observer teams. It’s to be noted that the voluntary offers by major western countries including UK, Germany and Canada among others have already been declined by the USA and UNO saying only God-fearing Muslim states are capable enough to ensure “free, fair and transparent” elections.

“The hope is presidential elections would go smooth, and both parties would accept results,” a White House spokesman told reporters outside the oval office. “However, unfortunately, if that does not happen,” the spokesman continued, “the arrangements have been made to benefit from the experience and services of Pakistan’s armed forces that are the world’s best at reconciling the aggrieved parties.”

“United States is convinced,” the official said, “that whenever it comes to reconciliation, Pakistani Generals are second to none.” They have successfully reconciled the protesting political parties in 1977 parliamentary elections when the Pakistan National Alliance protested rigging by PM Bhutto. General Zia, came out voluntarily to reconcile both the parties and only reluctantly assumed power when both parties agreed that neither of them could run the country as efficiently as General Zia and his Momin Afwaj could.

Similarly, in 2014 PTI-PAT sit-ins, when both Imran Khan and Dr. Tahir ul Qadri demanded PM Sharif’s resignation, General Sharif came out to support the civilian government at least until further sit-ins. The conspiracy to dissolve the civilian government died its natural death and Pakistan survived a major disaster.

“Still, if all efforts to reconcile the political parties come to naught and the public order suffers,” the official said, “US has decided to retain some veteran generals particularly from the 111 Brigade to advise and liaise with US government.” “The Pakistani Generals who saved Pakistan from divisions and collapse in times of political crises are the “common asset of mankind”, claimed another official speaking on the conditionof anonymity.

“The world must benefit from their expertise and services,” he emphasized. “They have saved Pakistan, and can save America too,” the White House spokesman was quoted as saying. “These generals,” according to the spokesman, “will present a feasibility report to advise the American government as to how a 90 days’ brief martial law, in fact is conducive to good governance and democracy.”

However, when asked, if America is mulling over a martial law, the official said, “their recommendations would be mere recommendations. That said, it is up to the people of United States to take them seriously or not; and that decision will be made after a referendum is held under the auspices of Pakistan’s armed forces. Unfortunately, we don’t have many options,” the official continued. “Our own generals, although politically as sagacious as those of Pakistan’s, lack on-the-ground experience to hold successful and creditable referendums. They have simply not done in the past; and probably are not up for this job—at least not now. I can assure you, America values experience highly and having only a “good judgement” does not qualify one for these noble jobs,” the official emphasized while darting toward his car.

 

This article originally appeared in Khabaristan Times and has been reproduced with permission.

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